Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Three Fourteen Two Thousand Thirteen

I noticed myself staring at this monitor for hours now. So I spread my fingers over the keyboard and looked at each of them for no reason. Perhaps I wasn’t really staring at the monitor. I was thinking deep thoughts, a lot of them. It’s been days now that I’ve been a little preoccupied. I thought for these days I haven’t really been myself. It’s an odd atmosphere. Figuratively, I feel like I’ve lost a big refuge and I find myself walking adrift cold mist. I barely see anything at the moment. All I know is that there is this tension inside of me. I’m not scared, but I’m confused. So confused that everything slowly starts to disappear.

As I remain in a phase full of ambiguity, I continue to endure this pain. It’s not tolerating agony, it’s hoping that time will eventually lead me back to me. Is it even possible to find my way back when I can’t even decipher how I got here? Things have started to change. The leaves of trees have gone dry as I walked past my favorite greens. The nights have grown colder and clouds of smoke have taken over. Its deafening silence has carved this mark in my conscience. The scar, surprisingly visible, and the circumstance, caustic, that it has taken us aback like in a dream I see him ten feet away from me. And then I watch him fade.

Nothing is going to happen if I keep staring at the screen like I’m waiting for something. If my thoughts are somewhere else then I should just go to it and seek answers. The glitch is still there. I can tell from my eyes staring blankly at the mirror. It’s awkwardly unsettling to be a stranger to someone you have shared so much with. Even more so to be unknown to yourself. Certainly, moving on is not the simplest thing to do on earth. Erase every single memory and let them all fade away with him. Only then will it be easier to wake up like nothing happened.
 
Someone told me, love is not a battle between you and what you can take. It’s no game you gotta fight to win. It’s the armor, the shield, the blanket you wrap around someone. To me, it’s a seed hidden inside every man’s heart. Once you find it within you let it grow, you nourish it. Love is free. It dies only if you let it. The love of a man is not made only for himself. It is useless when it is kept back. But love is not war. It is not hate. It is a bond. It’s not love’s fault if you give up the chaos, because love is supposed to be the refuge. Love is the shelter, not the brawl.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

The Airport

The moment I waved goodbye to my cousin is the same moment I knew I was on my own again. The journey is interesting. And my heart burns in fire of passion for travel. I have waited for this. Now I’m all geared up.

I have a fear of so many little things. I dislike being alone in airports. But discovery is like a long chain that leads you to another new find, a new encounter. And I love it. I love the way it tortures me with stress and solitude.

So as I make my way to the gates, I grabbed some coffee to perk me up from boredom and the freezing airport temperature. I got up early for a flight to Ho Chi Minh and I counted the hours with curiosity and excitement.

I can only recall arriving Tan Son Nhat (HCM) after sleeping the whole flight from Don Mueang (Bangkok). It was a challenge when I arrived Suvarnabhumi (Bangkok) a couple of nights before, and now I’m venturing alone again.

Alex was waiting for me. I was stuck waiting for my baggage. But seeing him right there was the main reason for all of this. And I couldn’t wait to start my holidays out of my comfort zone but still feeling more like home with my partner.

Finally, the adventure began. I could see myself in a world I’ve never imagined in my childhood. Leaving my country again, leaving my family, and away from a typical 25-year old routine. It’s the longest I’ve been away from home.

So as the days go huff and puff we rode along with our happy feet. Like good old travelers we planned and accounted. Like a little child I was amazed and enchanted. And in the nick of time it was gone with the wind.

I cannot explain the joy in my inner world. At the back of my head I know it may be temporary, but I’m looking straight ahead and I see no end. Who says the ride is over and done? Every new beginning is another new beginning’s end, ika nga.

Once again we’re sitting on those benches as the clock ticks every second away. I lay my head on his shoulder but I can’t sleep just yet. As midnight approaches I will become Cinderella who has a flight back to my homeland.

I kissed Alex and I walked past that line to where I’ll be alone, on my own, again. All I’d really want to do is stay there, hide and snuggle myself in his arms. But as the trip goes on we will drive along. And in that big cold place I took a seat a few walls away from where he settles to sleep.