A Lonely Life

These days were pretty difficult. I thought it was going to be fine. But it wasn't. Depression strikes again. I had a good time with mates last weekend, but the end of the language course made a weird opening act for a sad week. I wasn't so stressed with the pre-employment requirements for this new job I got. I spent time with old friends and even went clubbing, which gave me temporary high again. But even being with them feels weird...maybe this is God's way of telling me there's a reason why I'm not supposed to be living with them. I don't know, I'm not sure, my life right now..there's just something missing all the time.

I feel so lonely. I literally spend most of my days alone. It feels so sad I can't even find new hobbies because I don't have the resources. And even if I'd start to have resources, there are other plans already..like even before I get my first month pay it's already named for paying rent and this German A1 exam. It feels like I can't enjoy my life here. It feels like I don't even have a life at all. All I do is wait til there's finally that moment I can go out and do stuff, even if it's just mere groceries. All I do is hope there will be people around to talk with and share thoughts with. But there's none.

So I cried most of these nights. And when I'm depressed I think more sad things..unhappy things.. how I wish I could just go out of this room and go downstairs to watch TV with mom and pop, or just disturb Max with kisses while he's playing. But no, I'm not home. I wish I was in this dance workshop at least a few hours in a week. I wish Alex wasn't super busy all the time with other things, I wish I could own him for a whole weekend like Acrobatics can. But no, I'm not, I can't. I wish it wasn't so expensive to see a Psychiatrist for the sake of some anti-depression pills. I wish I had friends who invite me to do stuff all the time, or simply just visit me when they want, or just call me for a chat..

You know, there will always be this point in life when you think about how the universe has been unfair. Moreover, there will always be this point in life when you just don't see a future. As a matter of fact there will be that point in life when you feel like you no longer want this kind of life. How can I tell my brain to stop being sad? Sometimes I feel so insecure and jealous of how good other people's lives are.. sometimes I wish I had their life too, their happiness, their sweet boyfriends and real friends. Sometimes I just wish I had that kind of spark and love in my life too. I always thought I did. But not everyone is born lucky. Unfortunately I'm not one of them.

Life.

So...after about more than a year I'm back to an old hobby that's always been effective in setting my heart free. A whole lot of things happened (like that of the super typhoon) but I'm pretty much not here to tell and recall my experience on that. I just want to relax and kill the time while at the same time trying to let go of my heartaches. It's been great, happy, but it's been tough, it's been crazy...

My emotions are overwhelming right now. I'm so happy, but I know I have sadness within. I believe I'm a strong person though. But if I can scream to the world tonight I would say I'm really really just...tired. I think in the last 6 months I've had more emotional stress than I had before. For one, trauma from the typhoon that hit my province and even more so the aftermath. Two, I had to work away from the family and deal with what I'd call "resignation for future plans" stress. And what's next? Moving here (Cebu) and getting even bigger depressions from loneliness and emptiness topped by friends who all pretty much disappeared.

Sometimes I feel sad that I don't have too many friends. Well it does make me wonder why I don't have too many friends! It's not like I'm not friendly...but maybe I'm a bit choosy? I'm not sure. I mean I don't care too much if I have less real ones than have too many fake ones. These days you just can no longer trust people to be there for you when you need them. Everybody seems to be all about their own benefit. Well you can't expect too much from other people, can you? I kind of want friends who are not just there during the good times and fun times. It measures friendship when you've been tested with time, but what actually matters more is how you've been there for each other through the bad times.

I keep myself strong every time I have to cry because I hold on to believing there's a reason why I'm experiencing everything I'm experiencing in my life. I don't actually know if this even makes sense. But what really keeps me going? Life, I guess. That I have it, and that no matter how fucked up I am there are still a few people who love me and care for me. Life gives me hope that it's not always going to be the bad side of the wheel for me.

Three Fourteen Two Thousand Thirteen

I noticed myself staring at this monitor for hours now. So I spread my fingers over the keyboard and looked at each of them for no reason. Perhaps I wasn’t really staring at the monitor. I was thinking deep thoughts, a lot of them. It’s been days now that I’ve been a little preoccupied. I thought for these days I haven’t really been myself. It’s an odd atmosphere. Figuratively, I feel like I’ve lost a big refuge and I find myself walking adrift cold mist. I barely see anything at the moment. All I know is that there is this tension inside of me. I’m not scared, but I’m confused. So confused that everything slowly starts to disappear.

As I remain in a phase full of ambiguity, I continue to endure this pain. It’s not tolerating agony, it’s hoping that time will eventually lead me back to me. Is it even possible to find my way back when I can’t even decipher how I got here? Things have started to change. The leaves of trees have gone dry as I walked past my favorite greens. The nights have grown colder and clouds of smoke have taken over. Its deafening silence has carved this mark in my conscience. The scar, surprisingly visible, and the circumstance, caustic, that it has taken us aback like in a dream I see him ten feet away from me. And then I watch him fade.

Nothing is going to happen if I keep staring at the screen like I’m waiting for something. If my thoughts are somewhere else then I should just go to it and seek answers. The glitch is still there. I can tell from my eyes staring blankly at the mirror. It’s awkwardly unsettling to be a stranger to someone you have shared so much with. Even more so to be unknown to yourself. Certainly, moving on is not the simplest thing to do on earth. Erase every single memory and let them all fade away with him. Only then will it be easier to wake up like nothing happened.

 
Someone told me, love is not a battle between you and what you can take. It’s no game you gotta fight to win. It’s the armor, the shield, the blanket you wrap around someone. To me, it’s a seed hidden inside every man’s heart. Once you find it within you let it grow, you nourish it. Love is free. It dies only if you let it. The love of a man is not made only for himself. It is useless when it is kept back. But love is not war. It is not hate. It is a bond. It’s not love’s fault if you give up the chaos, because love is supposed to be the refuge. Love is the shelter, not the brawl.

The Airport

The moment I waved goodbye to my cousin is the same moment I knew I was on my own again. The journey is interesting. And my heart burns in fire of passion for travel. I have waited for this. Now I’m all geared up.

I have a fear of so many little things. I dislike being alone in airports. But discovery is like a long chain that leads you to another new find, a new encounter. And I love it. I love the way it tortures me with stress and solitude.

So as I make my way to the gates, I grabbed some coffee to perk me up from boredom and the freezing airport temperature. I got up early for a flight to Ho Chi Minh and I counted the hours with curiosity and excitement.

I can only recall arriving Tan Son Nhat (HCM) after sleeping the whole flight from Don Mueang (Bangkok). It was a challenge when I arrived Suvarnabhumi (Bangkok) a couple of nights before, and now I’m venturing alone again.

Alex was waiting for me. I was stuck waiting for my baggage. But seeing him right there was the main reason for all of this. And I couldn’t wait to start my holidays out of my comfort zone but still feeling more like home with my partner.

Finally, the adventure began. I could see myself in a world I’ve never imagined in my childhood. Leaving my country again, leaving my family, and away from a typical 25-year old routine. It’s the longest I’ve been away from home.

So as the days go huff and puff we rode along with our happy feet. Like good old travelers we planned and accounted. Like a little child I was amazed and enchanted. And in the nick of time it was gone with the wind.

I cannot explain the joy in my inner world. At the back of my head I know it may be temporary, but I’m looking straight ahead and I see no end. Who says the ride is over and done? Every new beginning is another new beginning’s end, ika nga.

Once again we’re sitting on those benches as the clock ticks every second away. I lay my head on his shoulder but I can’t sleep just yet. As midnight approaches I will become Cinderella who has a flight back to my homeland.

I kissed Alex and I walked past that line to where I’ll be alone, on my own, again. All I’d really want to do is stay there, hide and snuggle myself in his arms. But as the trip goes on we will drive along. And in that big cold place I took a seat a few walls away from where he settles to sleep.

Note 12/05

11 more days before my departure. I don’t know how I feel. Part of me is excited, part of me is anxious. I mean I’ll be travelling alone again ‘til I meet with Alex. It’s kind of something that doesn’t happen too often.

In half a month I’ll be experiencing independence, but part of that somehow is a little scary. But then this is what I wanted. First Christmas without the family. First Christmas I won’t feel the usual homey routine I’ve been doing for 25 years now I guess. First Christmas with Alex. And this actually brings out the risk-taker in me. There will always be a first time anyway. And I’m happy I’m about to venture into a new experience.

I’m going to miss my family, of course, but I know this’ll be worth it.

Apart from that there is so much yet to prepare. So many things to accomplish before anything else. And my last week here will definitely be busier than usual. Oh well.

Coldplay - Paradise

A Simple Note

In this place I am a beggar for attention

In this phase I can only write a song
Through the maze I am dying for affection
Find a place anywhere I can belong

Somehow someway I am a seeker of protection

Tomorrow, today I keep waiting far too long
Somewhen someday I’ll no longer chase your consolation
Countless yesterdays I’ve been aching for too long

In this case I am a fighter for satisfaction

In this haze I cry a tear and sing my song
Through the race I have given my affection
Now I’m at a place somewhere I know I belong.

C.H.A.N.G.E.

In the last six months I have experienced so many different things in this walk of life; some new realizations, diverse sentiments and massive changes. Perhaps I can say I am presently standing at the biggest turning point of my life; whether it concerns my career or my personal life. I have probably never had anything big on my shoulders as this that every time I think about it my brain seems to stop running and I just turn blank. I wish the answers were as easy as 19 years ago when I only had to problem a broken shoe heel.

 

I have always been very careful with every decision I had to make. Things may not go my way all the time but I was mostly, if not always, blessed with pretty little consolations. Well now it’s different. Big things need more caution. And as we age so are our problems. It’s like you get tougher challenges as you make it through the previous level. Whatever choice you make, you deal with the accompanying consequence.

 

Right now it’s in or out, it’s up or down, stop or go and left or right. I can only choose one and I ought to be really careful and considerate. I find myself faced with a difficult challenge that I need to overcome fast. The clock ticks as if I’m about to be executed. It’s like I have to choose “A” because I need to and I want to choose “B” because it’s where I want to be. The stress when you’re torn between what you want and what you need. But what you need doesn’t always mean it’s the right choice. And there must be another way to have both. I just don’t know exactly how right now.

 

Maybe I do. I’m just scared to take the risk. I have been accustomed to my comfort zone that it’s hard to walk away from it and seek the independence I never had. It seems that I’ve been walking around the same park for a long time now and I haven’t even managed to get my feet moving forward. This position, it could change my life in a nick of time. It could give me the change I’ve been longing for. This circumstance could either bring me up or pull me down. And I have got to be prepared for both.

 

I can set my mind to however I want to, or at least try. But I can’t run away from the inevitable. I won’t have to try to escape like it’s the last thing I can do. I just have to do what my heart tells me to and know that whether it’s wrong or right it’s going to make me happy. For now, I’d like to say that’s important. But the irony of life I know will never leave me without a price. I guess nothing really comes free. I will have to be strong for myself. The courage to face the pain will be my strength to resist it.