Note 12/05

11 more days before my departure. I don’t know how I feel. Part of me is excited, part of me is anxious. I mean I’ll be travelling alone again ‘til I meet with Alex. It’s kind of something that doesn’t happen too often.

In half a month I’ll be experiencing independence, but part of that somehow is a little scary. But then this is what I wanted. First Christmas without the family. First Christmas I won’t feel the usual homey routine I’ve been doing for 25 years now I guess. First Christmas with Alex. And this actually brings out the risk-taker in me. There will always be a first time anyway. And I’m happy I’m about to venture into a new experience.

I’m going to miss my family, of course, but I know this’ll be worth it.

Apart from that there is so much yet to prepare. So many things to accomplish before anything else. And my last week here will definitely be busier than usual. Oh well.

Coldplay - Paradise

A Simple Note

In this place I am a beggar for attention

In this phase I can only write a song
Through the maze I am dying for affection
Find a place anywhere I can belong

Somehow someway I am a seeker of protection

Tomorrow, today I keep waiting far too long
Somewhen someday I’ll no longer chase your consolation
Countless yesterdays I’ve been aching for too long

In this case I am a fighter for satisfaction

In this haze I cry a tear and sing my song
Through the race I have given my affection
Now I’m at a place somewhere I know I belong.

C.H.A.N.G.E.

In the last six months I have experienced so many different things in this walk of life; some new realizations, diverse sentiments and massive changes. Perhaps I can say I am presently standing at the biggest turning point of my life; whether it concerns my career or my personal life. I have probably never had anything big on my shoulders as this that every time I think about it my brain seems to stop running and I just turn blank. I wish the answers were as easy as 19 years ago when I only had to problem a broken shoe heel.

 

I have always been very careful with every decision I had to make. Things may not go my way all the time but I was mostly, if not always, blessed with pretty little consolations. Well now it’s different. Big things need more caution. And as we age so are our problems. It’s like you get tougher challenges as you make it through the previous level. Whatever choice you make, you deal with the accompanying consequence.

 

Right now it’s in or out, it’s up or down, stop or go and left or right. I can only choose one and I ought to be really careful and considerate. I find myself faced with a difficult challenge that I need to overcome fast. The clock ticks as if I’m about to be executed. It’s like I have to choose “A” because I need to and I want to choose “B” because it’s where I want to be. The stress when you’re torn between what you want and what you need. But what you need doesn’t always mean it’s the right choice. And there must be another way to have both. I just don’t know exactly how right now.

 

Maybe I do. I’m just scared to take the risk. I have been accustomed to my comfort zone that it’s hard to walk away from it and seek the independence I never had. It seems that I’ve been walking around the same park for a long time now and I haven’t even managed to get my feet moving forward. This position, it could change my life in a nick of time. It could give me the change I’ve been longing for. This circumstance could either bring me up or pull me down. And I have got to be prepared for both.

 

I can set my mind to however I want to, or at least try. But I can’t run away from the inevitable. I won’t have to try to escape like it’s the last thing I can do. I just have to do what my heart tells me to and know that whether it’s wrong or right it’s going to make me happy. For now, I’d like to say that’s important. But the irony of life I know will never leave me without a price. I guess nothing really comes free. I will have to be strong for myself. The courage to face the pain will be my strength to resist it.

Per Request :)

Somebody told me that I should write a description of myself. So here I am, squeezing my brain out to focus on a subject per request.

Well, literally speaking, I have long black hair (which apparently I just dyed with some kind of a copper-mahogany color mixture). I have dark brown eyes and I’m about 5 foot 2 inches in height (yep! I’m that short). I’m not sure if I belong to the petite, but I guess I do, and size-wise I’m an average. But yes feel free to call me “hot” I’d gladly accept that. I wear eyeglasses sometimes as I am near-sighted. My skin is of fair-brown complexion, and I like to wear make-up but not much, I just can’t walk out of the house without some lipstick on or my brows done; unless of course I’m in a really really big rush. And with that I mean REALLY BIG. I’m no fashionista because I don’t have all the money to buy everything that pleases my eyes. But I like to wear heels just as I like wearing flip flops. I like to wear blouses that fit, but I also like to be trendy. When I’m home chilling I really don’t care. I barely wear accessories unlike way back in my high school years. When I need to, I just choose simple ones like some bangles and round earrings or long trendy necklace. I grew up wearing gold bracelets and necklaces from mom and I realized I’ve grown tired of ‘em. I still appreciate them as who would not – they’re shining shimmering splendid like the princess that I am, but right now I’m only wearing one worn out gold ring which I never take off my finger for I-don’t-know-hell-what-reasons. Maybe I’m just too lazy to remember to wear ‘em. Woot-!

Okay before I get carried away. I am also a piece of emotional work of art J I have so many feelings and I like to reflect on them. This makes me see how much I’ve grown emotionally all through the years.

I am mysterious. I have a tiny little ball of secrets. I don’t share myself completely to strangers. I think I am just not that social so I leave a little something to myself and for others to find out.

I am sensitive. I have a big yard of moods. But I’m not a chameleon though. I tend to keep other people’s words inside my head and juggle them. I’m kind of an observant too. I tend to stare at stuff blankly while my brain works in different directions. I like to think a lot. But when I get tired of doing that I figured friends can make life happier J

I’m a little impatient; and a little pushy too. Sometimes I’m bitchy, sometimes I’m nice. Well most of the time I’m bitchy. And I think it’s because I don’t want to be put down. It’s like when you’re that nice benevolent little holy child people take advantage of you. And I don’t want to be treated that way. I don’t want to be stepped down. More like “don’t pull your trigger on me and I won’t put a spell on you”. And when people do, my mouth starts to set fire. I don’t like it that way, but sometimes in life you may have to learn how to fight your way through.

My sister described me the “tiger” because ever since I was a child I never give it up without a fight. And I didn’t care if they call me the bad girl, the bad person, actually. But don’t get me wrong, I am kind. I do have a heart still. I like to see other people happy, especially the kids. I love children, and I hate seeing a lot of them in the streets when they should be in their homes or in school. I feel sad when I see them do bad stuff because they were not given the proper guidance they need.

I’m not a grudge, but I dwell on broken promises and unkept words longer than usual. I don’t know if there’s an adjective for that. To put it simply, I believe that word is gold.

I have a weakness on decision-making. At times it’s not because I’m scared of consequences but because I want to make sure I’m not all words. When it’s choosing between two important things, I take time to weigh them. I can be impulsive, but I guess I don’t want to make the wrong ones. However, depending on the urgency or the gravity of the situation, I tend to be a risk-taker.

I am unpredictable. No explanations.

I think I’m adventurous. I like trying new things. I like to be in places I’ve never been. I like to travel and discover interesting, weird stuff. I like to try challenging activities but only if I find them interesting, or, if worse comes to worst, if I’m encouraged and inspired enough to do so. It takes a lot of hard work to get me motivated sometimes.

I’m kind of the lazy-type, but if I’m with cool people whom I can relate to, it’s easy to go up and running. I don’t want to do stuff just to do it nor impress other people, I want to do it because I’m interested in it, or if I like it and probably will enjoy it.

I am weird. I am both introvert and extrovert, I’m a cowgirl but I’m choosy, a princess but a slave, you know what I’m saying? I can be sad and happy at the same time. I’m a big furious lion with a kitty’s heart. I’m deceiving, whether I like it or not L

I think I’m open-minded. I find it interesting to listen to other people’s opinions on stuff that I like to think about. I pay respect to how others want to live their lives or what beliefs they have. Actually, it just doesn’t matter to me. If I like your opinion, I don’t care. If I think it’s lame, I still don’t care. This is yours and you’re entitled to that. Just like I am. I play by this rule. There may be quite a few times I am easily influenced, I can go with the flow, but then again I really don’t care; as long as it’s not harming me.

I am a bit selfish. But only when it comes to the people I love. I love my family and I’ll fight for them and for our rights. I don’t want to let anybody take advantage of that. I think everybody would want to do the same. We can all be selfish when it comes to our own. Moreover, I’m selfish because I don’t want to share my boyfriend. I can share food, clothing, or any of my material possessions, but a boyfriend is clearly an exception. ‘Nuff said.

I’m not smart, most of the time I’m stupid. I make my way not because I’m brainy and bright. I make my way because I’m determined, and when I’m determined I persevere; especially when it comes to getting what I want. If by all means I can’t get my desired results, I want to make sure it’s a well-deserved result.

I’m beautiful. Not because other people tell me I am but because I feel so. And I’m sexy. I love my body. It’s not as perfect as in photoshoped pictures in magazines or do I have a model-like figure, but I like me this way. I don’t feel fat and I don’t think I’m too thin. So basically, I feel just right. J

I am proud, but not all the time. I brag quite a lot, and amazingly in my own discreet way. But I want to do that if I know I can back it up. Otherwise I’ll have war with my own ego. Apparently, I like to brag about the people I love. I like to brag about what they said, what they did, or how they make me think or feel. When I’m proud about something, there’s no reason to keep it to myself. I like showing the world how I feel about something. Wouldn’t you want to share to the world little happiness like those little pieces of positive feelings? But the good thing is I’m always aware of my limitations. I watch myself from getting carried away or overreacting.

I’m quite needy. Not just when I’m drunk or lonely. I need love, I need my family and friends, I need good times, good food, good drinks. I need things to perk me up. I need appreciation, I need attention, I need guidance, knowledge and wisdom. Yes, just like all of you. I’m human after all. But I need them probably more than you do. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’m a scaredy-cat. I fear a lot of things. I’m scared of losing the things and the people I have. I fear rejection, I fear guilt, I fear staring at this long narrow hallway in my mind that leads me to tears. I fear being left behind. I fear the silence of the woods when I’m all alone. I fear those emotional demons my brain battles with every now and then.

Well you may consider asking the people who know me well. Who knows you might just find something interesting you’d fall head over heels in love with me, or, worst you’d want to walk away and forget me.

"The Disease"

Fanning the fire is like nurturing a deadly virus. In the end, you get beaten by it.

Lately I’ve been battling with my own devil inside. It kills me, and not just me but even the closest people to me. I’ve been spoiled to winning, to getting what I want, to making my way out of every crazy loophole. And this is like a disease that had been cultivated inside me.

I find it hard to search my own cure. It’s all in my mind, in my controls, and yet I still find it too difficult to withdraw from what seemed to have already resisted in the pillars of my veins. This is frustrating. And it’s disturbing to think that I am fully aware of what I should be doing to end this, but I’m too stubborn to even care.

I feel sorry that I have to put myself into this. I feel sorry I am pissing my boyfriend off. I feel sorry I am too self-centered to notice what comes out of my mouth. I feel sorry I had to come to this level of impatience that I fail to even mind others’ feelings. I feel sorry for being a pre-Madonna ever since the world begun.

My moods have become recurrent. My temper has overtaken me. And letting them drive the wheels will not take me anywhere better. I know I have been mean. I have been a bad, bad girl. I know I’ve been infected. And this depression must take a rest somewhere before everything starts to break down.

It’s never enough that my eyes are open to this tract of barren land. Never, I know. And it will never be ever be safe to keep playing safe. I think it would be ideal that I for once go the extra mile for my own healing’s sake.

Who Do You Think You Are?

Who do you think you are?

Running around like you’re some superstar

Shouting around like you know everything

Move your stinking guts behind the bar

Before I cut your throat, you little avatar!

 

Who do you think you are?

Bossing around like you’re some megastar

Bragging about how you’ve seen everything

Well zip your mouth and stop trying so hard

You’re just as big as your head, go home and get barred!

 

Who do you think you are?

 

Laughing so loud I want to seal you in a jar

Walking around like a king or something

Ha! Watch your step, pathetic little twerp

Couple more trips and I’ll end you, derp!

 

You’ll be history in a snap of my dirty little fingers.

So who the F* you think you are!

Camotes Trip 2012