12 Foot Deep

I was glad I wasn’t able to write kept thoughts.

The truth is…I didn’t want to think. I am glad I am not forced by myself to think.

It’s like what I feel doesn’t have to matter anymore.

I just found relief in cutting the huge pieces of issues to tiny little ones I can manage to swallow.

I am a girl after all. I can endure emotional stress.

The truth is…I don’t want to be stressed. So I am glad I have found a resting place.

Somewhere I can lie down and ignore the world.

This isn’t heaven at all, it’s still pretty messed up.

But it heals me as if I travelled with time.

The truth is…I’m getting by, even if I feel my heart dragged down the gravel sometimes.

It’s like I have deprived myself of the right to be hurt.

And I can’t be naïve, so I made my way to this place, a place I can manage to be in between.

I don’t let rage overtake and I don’t come clean.

The truth is…I have been changed. I know I am not perfect and I can’t gripe.

Amid the flaws and failures I stand like an ant.

But what can I say. My scream is the silence and I find home in beautiful dreams.

There is nothing I can do because time goes on even if I stop.

The truth is…I’m running after it to catch up, almost all the time.

It’s like I have stopped living and by then I must stop feeling.

Then again, I’m just glad I can walk through thick and thorns now.

little me against the World..

So here you are again writing me when your battery is low.

Everything not working the way you want it?

Before your system begins to shut down, breathe…

Remember, this is how it is. So take it easy and take a deep breath.

Anger makes you wanna cry? Frustrated? Disappointed?

Leave that picture for a second. Let’s go somewhere else.

It’s not gonna work if you force yourself to think of something effin happy, you simply need to absorb the negative so it’s easier to compose yourself while it’s there.

But leave the idea that you’re angry, frustrated, or fucked up. Let’s focus on the problem at hand – and that is that your expectations weren’t met.

Hmm…this is quite easy. Let’s get you charged.

There are two sides of every story. So when you’re facing the shitty side, turn around.

Remember that all problems have various selections of solutions. You just gotta choose the right pick. And sometimes if it doesn’t work the first try, you gotta make a second pick.

This is how it is. And for you, old happy thoughts are highly unlikely to work. Perhaps a dreamer isn’t always a dreamer. Sometimes we have to be realistic.

Do you feel a little better now?

This is one small scratch now honey, so get going.

They probably just won’t go as you planned, but they’re gonna go through and that’s what’s important.

You’ll be fine.

The World As I See It

The world as I see it, is a remarkable place
A beautiful house in a forest, of stars in outer space
From a birds eye view, I can see it has a well-rounded personality
From a birds eye view, I can see we are family

It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No, it’s not a difficult thing
It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
Because you are the world to me

Yeah the world as I see it, is a remarkable place
Every man makes a difference and every mother’s child is a saint
From a birds eye view I can see, we are spiraling down in gravity
From a birds eye view I can see, you are just like me

It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No, it’s not a difficult thing
It’s not hard for me to love you
Oh I really love you unconditionally
No, it’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No, it’s not a difficult thing
It’s not hard for me to love you
Oh I really love you,
Love you are the world to me

You are the mountain, you are the rock
You are the cord and you’re the spark
You are the eagle, you are the lark
You are the world and you’re remarkable
You’re the ocean eating the shore
You are the calm inside the storm
You’re every emotion, you can endure
You are the world and the world is yours.

It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No, it’s not a difficult thing
No, it’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you unconditionally
No, it’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No, it’s not a difficult thing.
It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you, because you are the world to me
No, it’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No it’s not a difficult thing (No, it’s not a difficult thing)
It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you (really it’s not hard),
Because you are the world to me.
Yeah the world as I see it, is a remarkable place.

12.19.11

Today I had a long chat with my sister. We talked about different things and people and even came to more private subjects. It's true I miss talks with her, even with mom, but I'm already kind of "immune" to these things like it wouldn't matter no more as if it's gonna change anything. I just talk, of course, and be open about stuff in my mind. This made me realize how closed we were to discussing important things in a person's life sometimes. There were topics that made her feel awkward. Such topics I didn't care talking about. I have learned from the world, with my own two feet. I have seen, heard, read, experienced but from home and though they are still little, I am still proud. It's a little sad when I think that we were not raised to be open to each other, this is when you get surprised when you figured that after all these years, you never really knew much about each other anymore. It's like she knew me last before she got married, and since then I was on my own. So it's like 'til now she sees me as that 16 year old high school girl who was always the baby in the house. No complains, no regrets for me. Everything is probably meant to happen this way. It's not that I don't care what they think, but I won't need it to change me either. I've become who I am because of what I've been through and we may not share so much information about each other but it doesn't mean we can't be a family. I will try harder to surpass the challenge of being alone. And I don't mean it the negative way, I see it as an inspiration for a harder path to my independence.

She has turned into a Monster...

“It was lately that I’ve been thinking about how she has been. She talks like an arrogant little bitch. She acts like a stubborn little spoiled brat. I don’t know if she knows but she’s gotta stop. This is just not nice at all.

I can see those sharp little needles coming out of her mouth when she speaks to people. Her mind just seems to have closed its doors for things. Her being straightforward has gone way beyond the limit. And I think she needs to know that this has got to come to an end.

I can see two tiny little devil horns growing in her head. Her mind just seems to have been poisoned by things. She has found refuge by putting people down and hurting their feelings. And she needs to know that this is not okay.

It was just lately that I started to worry about how she has been. Ill-words have become easy for her to say. It’s like being sarcastic and mean have become easier than being nice and patient. I want to make her understand the things she knew very well before.

The anger and hate she planted inside her seems to be nurtured by the demons. You may not see it, but I know it’s there. I feel her heart beat faster when her patience is tested. And her thoughts have been invaded by evil powers. Everything just seems to disappoint her and all she can see with her two naked eyes are dark shadows of frustrations and pain. She’s gone rude, sensitive, and bitter. She has stopped caring about other people. She has stopped caring about the world. And she blames the world for her undesirable fate.

It looks like she has stopped welcoming the spirit. And to hell, she cannot lose. She needs to get back to her feet. She needs to get back to her faith. Not for any other pathetic little reasons, but simply to enlighten her to the positive way. She’s lost in the dark and can’t find the light. And this is not the first time. I know she’s been there. But I also know that it’s much harder this time… because it appears that she knows she has turned into a monster…”

68

I try so hard to force myself not to believe you.

I just don’t want to give up thinking there’s a better way than this, a better point than this. I still try to refuse to accept that you may be right. And I guess you’re right. No matter how hard I swerve to run away from fate, it leads me back to the same space, the same phase, the same truth. And I don’t know if there’ll ever be anywhere else for me to go than to you.

And I don’t want to hate you. For reminding me every day that I have lost, I am mad.

I appreciate the concern but you see it wouldn’t change anything. Even if I actually believe you, still, there is no easy way. What difference will it make? I am still to walk through the storm, I am still to conquer the demons. So I guess to finish what I started is best and I might as well gamble. You see, no matter what I choose, I am bound to face one end.

It’s hard to face the truth. I’ve never been bitten by reality so bad like this. And I’ve never been so confused and so torn than I am right now.

I know and am aware of the consequences. And honestly, none of it will be easy; all of it is going to hurt. And I am stuck in the middle, can’t move, because I’m scared to make one stupid mistake. I couldn't agree more with most of your inputs, you've made it clear and expressed your points understandably. And as expected, I connected the dots in all your metaphors.

But you know if there's one thing I've learned in the last couple of years of my life... the best things in life aren't actually for free. You've gotta work hard for it. And sometimes you're going to make the wrong decisions before you learn the right ones.

You see sometimes hiding and escaping are the easy ways out. But unless you get to where you long to be at, you suffer the confusion. And if you won't learn the art of acceptance, you will never be able to move on. There will never be any change at all. This is what I am learning about. Try to read between the lines.

Thank you for being there. You know I never thought it can make me smile to just think that I can depend on you. And right now, that's just perfectly what I need... someone. :)

Do You Know What It's Like? -

How do you feel when you hear the words “I like you”?

Does it get you flashing an instant smile? Do you get the thrills?

I’m sure these words make the heart smile among other truths.

Regardless of who said it, you are flattered. And it motivates you to keep that impression there.

When your boyfriend tells you this, does it give you the chills as if your all time crush was saying it?

When your ex- tells you this, does it give you the chills as if your boyfriend was saying it?

Think. 

How do you feel when you hear the words “I care for you”?

And you hear those words from somebody else.

I’m sure it’s easy to believe how comforting those words are.

But does it make you feel awkward to hear it from another voice?

Or do you like the idea of having so many flings care for you?

When a suitor tells you this, how far do you go to entertain?

Think.

How do you feel when you hear the words “I love you”?

Now these words are deep and packed with meaning.

When your boyfriend tells you this, does it give you the thrills and your heart goes melting?

When a crush tells you this, does it give you the same feeling?

If someone wants or tries to kiss you, would you let him do it?

Regardless if you like the person or not, if you want to kiss, would you kiss someone else?

I’m sure you won’t even need to think.

What happens in a bar where you and your friends hang out with some acquaintances and everybody expects you to flirt around and play around like you would if you were single?

What happens if you spent some time alone with a good friend who apparently admits that he likes you and expresses he wants to be together with you?

Let me tell you a story I will never forget.

John, from the first sight was no doubt a good-looking guy. He was a nice guy and he gets along with everybody else, even with Nikko who seems to be the hyperactive easy-go-lucky type. I was introduced to them days before we went to this bar with all the others. I know my friends and what they can do; likewise they know me and how far I go to break my limitations. The only difference was that time I was already in a relationship. I had a boyfriend, and he was there just a few hours ago.

I was tipsy but I was also called “boring” for not giving Nikko a lap dance. It was a joke and I wouldn’t have cared even if it was not. I gave my girls little smacks as it was an easier dare for the girls. My friends were drunk, but they could do that 24/7 nonstop (to exaggerate). It was John’s turn to spin the bottle, and he was dared to kiss my friend. He was all smiles while everyone expects him to do the challenge. My friend was excited, I could tell; and everybody else pushed them closer to each other.

“Wait. I’m not supposed to do it for real, right?” John asked.

Everybody started booing him and at first I just thought maybe he didn’t like my friend at all. They shouted “do it!” and looking at him I knew right there he was a little bit pressured between having fun and his commitment.

“But… I have a girlfriend...” John said, still smiling.

I was right. And I couldn’t help admiring him for the courage to say that in front of the group. It was weird that I felt so happy for his girlfriend back home, even if I didn’t know her. For a man like John, she has nothing to worry. I felt for him, somehow, and truly if you have that firm understanding of your commitment, nobody can come to break that. ‘Cause it would have been broken if John let it. It’s simple as that. And by this simple act you can tell what kind of a man he is.

Know your limitations. This isn’t something you ought to discuss with your partner. It’s something innate.

TORN - October 24, 2011

So I was saying… Why don’t I take that big risky leap and move away from here? Start doing something else and add more people in my circle whom later on I can maybe call friends…

Okay. Now is that moment when I’m really urging for a new environment! Now is that moment when I’m about to spread my wings to get ready to fly.

Suddenly, my enthusiasm shrinks.

I ought to finish my Master’s Degree. Yep that’s two more years. And apparently the only thing that holds me back from moving.

Is this supposed to be good or bad?

I try to look at the brighter side of it, but, two years… I could be doing more; I could be looking at a bigger ball of opportunities.

Well, now is that moment when I’m left torn between two important achievements in my life; now is that moment that I kind of have to settle down priorities, ask myself what I really want.

If I stand on a cliff and look far and beyond, I see two things: independence and greater future keys. Independence is the change I want to have; the freedom to finally do what I want to be doing. But it’s like the more I run for it the more it is pulled away from me. If I stay and do the same routine in the same old alley I battle with insanity. Getting this degree is a gem I can’t put to waste for one day it can land me to the so-called success. But at the back of my mind I’m asking myself why…

Why must I run after success?

What’s pushing me to that road right there?

I just want to do what I dream of doing and be in places I dream of going, and to me, that’s already an accomplishment.

Do I really want to be a manager, a boss, or climb the corporate ladder?

People advise me not to hurry. But I’m 25 after today. I want to try something else. I want to grow and gain more experiences.

And if I stay, that is unlikely to happen. If I look at it that way then I don’t want to stay.


Every day when I wake I see the same old setting. And somehow, it makes me sick.

Enjoying my studies can be something new, the challenges can hone me, and learning itself is growth; now if I see it this way, I can maybe take two more years and extend my patience before I break free.

Sometimes I just wonder why it has to be this tough to be in the middle…