My first blog for the year. 2011 it is. Another year to fight my way through and figure out if I'd survive again without falling apart. Only that this year, I feel like I'm running after something..
I know the year never really ended happy, but as they say: "every new beginning is another new beginning's end". I couldn't recall how 2009 started for me, but I know it ended with fun and spontaneity. I guess that's probably why I started to have a blast in 2010. I don't remember how 2010 started for me either, I guess I was too busy being happy, taking every new experience, indulging myself in. It's been a wild year. And I was having the time of my life. But somehow, I don't think this year ended right for me. It feels like I don't want it to end yet, otherwise I'll be running out of time. And I wanted to write this one because I keep wondering why, why do I keep chasing on time?
The feeling of not being ready is right here. Like I don't wanna face another year of frustrations and negativity. I gotta hit that goal - it's the only thing I think I'm living for.. why does it have to be so damn hard for me? I'm not scared. I'm just... stupid.
I wanna do so many things, and they're bursting out of my chest, and yet, I can't seem to take them one step at a time. Like I need to hurry or i'll miss that bus; like I'm running out of time to solve a case before it gets cold. It's uneasy like that. The feeling of wanting to do things at the same time fills me like there's no tomorrow. I don't think I'm just too old for this world, but I guess I don't wanna be left behind either. Where I am right now, it's suffocating.. it's the same old routine; I wanna change it so damn bad. I've been in this cycle for 24 years of my life and I don't want the next 24 to be like it, no. I might sound like I'm probably gonna eat these words in the future.. but maybe, at least, give me this chance to say this now.. I want out of this cycle so damn bad.
Oh I don't know anymore. Am I going too far? Or am I too excited to see what's ahead of me? ..if there are ever good things in store. In all attempts, I always failed. It was probably the only thing I'm good at: failing. And getting my own self frustrated. Then I cry questioning why my life's like this. I think.. I'm too negative. I feel so helpless looking up at that shining star knowing I can never have it that easy; never knowing if that's even for me. I swear I've never felt so helpless like this in my whole 24 years of existence. No matter where my mind takes me, no matter where I look, there's nothing and no one on sight. It's a long and winding road.. and I don't even have enough gas to keep me going. It's so frustrating. And I can't help but be depressed about it. I'm running slow on faith and gasoline. Will I ever get there?
Well I can't just ask that question and not anything about it, yes, I'm there. But - how?? There's always that wall of barricades before I can even step a foot on. I know I can't just let fate decide and wait for it to take me to where I wanna be; it doesn't really work, no. Fate is fake. It's as frozen as a statue. And I've learned that you don't wait for fate, you make it. I don't know when my time to shine will be. Maybe I need to put on more effort, maybe it's just not for me; but I'd never really know if I don't try. And I wanna do it so bad! The only problem I guess is.. that I wanna do it NOW. I don't wanna wait for time; it feels like it's already past me; i gotta keep up and go; i don't wanna stop. Not until time itself tells me so..
The feeling of not being ready is right here. Like I don't wanna face another year of frustrations and negativity. I gotta hit that goal - it's the only thing I think I'm living for.. why does it have to be so damn hard for me? I'm not scared. I'm just... stupid.
I wanna do so many things, and they're bursting out of my chest, and yet, I can't seem to take them one step at a time. Like I need to hurry or i'll miss that bus; like I'm running out of time to solve a case before it gets cold. It's uneasy like that. The feeling of wanting to do things at the same time fills me like there's no tomorrow. I don't think I'm just too old for this world, but I guess I don't wanna be left behind either. Where I am right now, it's suffocating.. it's the same old routine; I wanna change it so damn bad. I've been in this cycle for 24 years of my life and I don't want the next 24 to be like it, no. I might sound like I'm probably gonna eat these words in the future.. but maybe, at least, give me this chance to say this now.. I want out of this cycle so damn bad.
Oh I don't know anymore. Am I going too far? Or am I too excited to see what's ahead of me? ..if there are ever good things in store. In all attempts, I always failed. It was probably the only thing I'm good at: failing. And getting my own self frustrated. Then I cry questioning why my life's like this. I think.. I'm too negative. I feel so helpless looking up at that shining star knowing I can never have it that easy; never knowing if that's even for me. I swear I've never felt so helpless like this in my whole 24 years of existence. No matter where my mind takes me, no matter where I look, there's nothing and no one on sight. It's a long and winding road.. and I don't even have enough gas to keep me going. It's so frustrating. And I can't help but be depressed about it. I'm running slow on faith and gasoline. Will I ever get there?
Well I can't just ask that question and not anything about it, yes, I'm there. But - how?? There's always that wall of barricades before I can even step a foot on. I know I can't just let fate decide and wait for it to take me to where I wanna be; it doesn't really work, no. Fate is fake. It's as frozen as a statue. And I've learned that you don't wait for fate, you make it. I don't know when my time to shine will be. Maybe I need to put on more effort, maybe it's just not for me; but I'd never really know if I don't try. And I wanna do it so bad! The only problem I guess is.. that I wanna do it NOW. I don't wanna wait for time; it feels like it's already past me; i gotta keep up and go; i don't wanna stop. Not until time itself tells me so..
