So...after about more than a year I'm back to an old hobby that's always been effective in setting my heart free. A whole lot of things happened (like that of the super typhoon) but I'm pretty much not here to tell and recall my experience on that. I just want to relax and kill the time while at the same time trying to let go of my heartaches. It's been great, happy, but it's been tough, it's been crazy...
My emotions are overwhelming right now. I'm so happy, but I know I have sadness within. I believe I'm a strong person though. But if I can scream to the world tonight I would say I'm really really just...tired. I think in the last 6 months I've had more emotional stress than I had before. For one, trauma from the typhoon that hit my province and even more so the aftermath. Two, I had to work away from the family and deal with what I'd call "resignation for future plans" stress. And what's next? Moving here (Cebu) and getting even bigger depressions from loneliness and emptiness topped by friends who all pretty much disappeared.
Sometimes I feel sad that I don't have too many friends. Well it does make me wonder why I don't have too many friends! It's not like I'm not friendly...but maybe I'm a bit choosy? I'm not sure. I mean I don't care too much if I have less real ones than have too many fake ones. These days you just can no longer trust people to be there for you when you need them. Everybody seems to be all about their own benefit. Well you can't expect too much from other people, can you? I kind of want friends who are not just there during the good times and fun times. It measures friendship when you've been tested with time, but what actually matters more is how you've been there for each other through the bad times.
I keep myself strong every time I have to cry because I hold on to believing there's a reason why I'm experiencing everything I'm experiencing in my life. I don't actually know if this even makes sense. But what really keeps me going? Life, I guess. That I have it, and that no matter how fucked up I am there are still a few people who love me and care for me. Life gives me hope that it's not always going to be the bad side of the wheel for me.
