These days were pretty difficult. I thought it was going to be fine. But it wasn't. Depression strikes again. I had a good time with mates last weekend, but the end of the language course made a weird opening act for a sad week. I wasn't so stressed with the pre-employment requirements for this new job I got. I spent time with old friends and even went clubbing, which gave me temporary high again. But even being with them feels weird...maybe this is God's way of telling me there's a reason why I'm not supposed to be living with them. I don't know, I'm not sure, my life right now..there's just something missing all the time.
I feel so lonely. I literally spend most of my days alone. It feels so sad I can't even find new hobbies because I don't have the resources. And even if I'd start to have resources, there are other plans already..like even before I get my first month pay it's already named for paying rent and this German A1 exam. It feels like I can't enjoy my life here. It feels like I don't even have a life at all. All I do is wait til there's finally that moment I can go out and do stuff, even if it's just mere groceries. All I do is hope there will be people around to talk with and share thoughts with. But there's none.
So I cried most of these nights. And when I'm depressed I think more sad things..unhappy things.. how I wish I could just go out of this room and go downstairs to watch TV with mom and pop, or just disturb Max with kisses while he's playing. But no, I'm not home. I wish I was in this dance workshop at least a few hours in a week. I wish Alex wasn't super busy all the time with other things, I wish I could own him for a whole weekend like Acrobatics can. But no, I'm not, I can't. I wish it wasn't so expensive to see a Psychiatrist for the sake of some anti-depression pills. I wish I had friends who invite me to do stuff all the time, or simply just visit me when they want, or just call me for a chat..
You know, there will always be this point in life when you think about how the universe has been unfair. Moreover, there will always be this point in life when you just don't see a future. As a matter of fact there will be that point in life when you feel like you no longer want this kind of life. How can I tell my brain to stop being sad? Sometimes I feel so insecure and jealous of how good other people's lives are.. sometimes I wish I had their life too, their happiness, their sweet boyfriends and real friends. Sometimes I just wish I had that kind of spark and love in my life too. I always thought I did. But not everyone is born lucky. Unfortunately I'm not one of them.
