Naiinis Ako Sa'yo

Inspired by a draft I never posted, ma-deposit ako yana tak mga sinisiring na saloobin. Mas maupay siguro kun magpakaubos ako yana ngan gamiton ko tak pagka-waraynon. Char!

I need this right now like pills to calm me down. Grabe - I felt it; felt it rise, I'm sure it wasn't just the feeling of wanting to throw up. Amo ngay-an ito ka-grabe ano kun 'pride' na it paiiralon..tsk tsk.. kakuri man..baga man ini hin binata-bata na mulay. De puta la nga yawa. Gusto ko gumuli-at!

Pero nag-bag-o nak isip, diri nala ako hit waray. Baga ako hin kadaan nga tawo. Lol. Sa araw na'to, ako ay na-bwesit! To the maximum level na kairitahan na gusto ko na ulit saktan ang sarili ko at umiyak ng umiyak ng umiyak ng umiyak dahil iyakin naman talaga ako. But of course, only in my room. I think if I die kung nakakamatay pa ang pag-iiyak, lol, my body is going to rot first before they find out. Siyempre - kasi mangangamoy na 'yon. Omfg, bakit ba dumarating ako sa topic n 'yan!

Isa lang naman ang gusto kong gawin sana.. ilabas ang feeling ng pagkainis ko through writing. Dito lang naman talaga ako tunay na nakakapagpalabas ng saloobin, pwera na lang kung tumatawag si Neil, makikinig sa mga ka-echusan ko. Bakit kasi may mga taong OA - di lak nakasurat, drama na - ba man kun hiya, di ko man pinipirit! Chaka! Kung tutuusin mas detalyado pak ha iya! Puro la hiya headline. Nakakainis kay pirme na la ako, puro na la akon yakan. Well what about him?! Pakiramdam ko, nakikilala na niya ako pero ako wala man lang akong siguradong alam tungkol sa kanya. Unfair. Masumo. Kailangan mapakiana ka pa. Kay diri hiya nakakagstorya in details. I don't know if he's just not in to it, or, ....haaaaa nevermind. Kahit magkausap pa kayo na magkausap talaga, makakalimutan niya rin na parang wala lang, or, tinutuyo? Haha

Bakit ba masyado akong sensitive? Napapagod na akong maging sensitive. Pakiramdam ko sasabog ako ngayon. Ano pa man eh nalulungkot ako kung bakit kailangang ganito. Gusto ko umiyak na lang at matapos na lahat, pero hindi pa rin naman ganon. Waray na ba ini katapusan na emotional b*llsh*t! How I wish I was naive. How I wish I was numb and insensitive. How I wish I was just as cold as ice para diri na ako naapektohan hini tanan! Nabebwesit ako nabebwesit ako nabebwesit ako!!!!!!!!!!!! Gusto ko pumatay ng tao! Yung galit ko nag-uumapaw na parang baha na dadalhin ng ulan ngayon (umuulan kasi). Puta la nga yawa ka - kun nag-aano ka man yana - saho! Bwesit ka!

Every day I see myself lose it. Pati pasensiya ko drained na. My mouth can't even control my words no more. Pagod na ako umiyak. Paulit-ulit na lang. Masakit na sa dibdib. Patayin niyo na lang ako, please. Ayoko na... Kung may gusto man akong sabihin sa iyo - napaka ka. You wanna throw the same stone that was thrown at you. Ano ini? Pailobay? Contest who resists or who do not? Fuck it big time! Diri ini mulay de puta nga yawa, pagtuhay. Yakan kun ano tim paso. Huwag mo akong gawing tanga. Dati na nga akong tanga, bulok pa, duruyon mo pa. Ano, nakakatamay ka? Wehhh..haha. Crazy sh*t this is.

I feel sorry writing this sh*t. But I don't have any other outlet. Even if I don't get anything from Chelsea or blogspot, I think the thought of just letting my anger out this way is helping me 10% of everything. And to me, that matters, and that matters kasi kailangan ko iyon ngayon - kailangang kailangan ko yun eh.. grabe ang bigat ng pakiramdam.. I know I need love now when I least deserve it, but even that makes the world complicated. Kailan ko ba mahahanap yung peace-of-mind na hinding hindi ko makuha? Ang labo naman nito.

Sige, amo ini it life? Sige. Sakay sa agos. Waray problema. Mabunggo kun mabunggo, titigil kung titigil. Maabot gihap kita dida. Siguro tama nga sila, hindi basehan ang oras o panahon; kaya habang maaga, hanapin mo yung pagmamahal na iyon kahit sino, kahit saan, kahit ano..tumaya ka ng tumaya - kasi we never know when you might hit the jackpot. Kaya lang, sabi nga sa napanood ko dati, 'anybody out there don't take anybody you love for granted..coz you never know when you might lose em..and you may never get the chance to tell em how you really feel'. So embrace kung mahanap mo iyon. Che! Emote! Arte. Gutom lang iyan.

Ako na lang magcocomfort sa self ko :) Les, try to relax. Eat, play some music, go out and do things to help you chill. You had fun last night - try to think about that - even if it's not gonna make you feel any better, just to switch your mind to something else. Whatever made you feel bad, it's the same and only thing capable of bringing your joy again. Yana kay lokaret man ini nga kachaka-an, waray ka mahihimo. Accept na la na nasusugad gud hini it de puta nga yawa nga kinabuhi. Masestress ka la pagpinanhunahuna hin mga tawo nga ambot ngani kun nahuhuna-hunaan ka. Besides, you've been here before, dapat nga mas alam mo na ang pasikot-sikot diba..so trust me, you can find your way out again. Then back in, out nanaman, then in, out, in, out. B*llsh*t!! (comfort huh)

Chuva-choo-choo!

Well Apple and I were talking about the thing called "Love" today. I've been thinking about that since the morning and was a little confused about it in the past few days. I was like 'What really is love?' How do you actually feel or even know if it's love already? It's not as simple as liking someone, right...or being infatuated with someone who gives you the spark... When you say 'I love you' how do you mean that? What is the basis? There were so many questions suddenly. Whoa! Well can you say you're in love when you feel so happy with a person? Is it love when you're jealous or when you're too giving? Is it love when you understand your partner and tolerate his/her happiness? Is it love when you stay despite the complicated situation?

Apple described it as something you just feel; something that no words can ever explain. I tried to write it all down as she tells her story like I did an interview for a research paper (on love, lol, that's epic - not!) I came up with the first three...

*when you go an extra mile for someone
*acceptance of the person's being, beliefs, weaknesses, etc.
*wanting the happiness of the person - even if you're not a part of it

I don't know why I've been thinking so much about these details. I wanted to get people's  views and compare them to mine; wanted to know their thoughts so i can relate 'em with mine. Well, do we really need to know if it's love we're feeling? When you're happy and you like someone, will you stop to wait and see if it was love you're feeling? Is it really important that it's 'love' before you are together or marry each other? When you're in the middle of a beautiful dream, would you stop to find out if it was real? What makes love?

Is it enough to say 'I love you' and leave? Is it really beautiful the thing called love? Or does it hurt like hell like what others'd normally say? Read below...

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable."

What do you think? Love isn't all about sex; it isn't all about the spark or the hearts and the smiles, or the shooting stars. Love isn't something you can buy with money, it's something you invest into..something you work out and norture, something you make to grow. Love can be everything, but it can hurt like sh*t too. Do you think it's enough to love someone?

You know things can be really playful. Now you see, now you don't. Would you be brave to take that risk for love? (to be continued..)

Another Trend of Irony

Another day to spend straightening my hair out while I listen and giggle to colleagues’ conversations. They often talk about stuff I don’t really like to join in all the time. Well call me a kill-joy, but I guess as the youngest there are just people who’d shut you out just because they think they’ve experienced most of life than you did. Lol. Whatever you say to them, they’d say they know. Oh well, I’d rather leave em there talkin their crap out like they know so much. Imma roll my eyes to that. Although sometimes it’s funny how they appear like bunch of kids to me. Their married lives, I don’t think they’re happy at all. Lol. And I know they won’t realize that, so I’ll keep this one to myself. Otherwise some of them’d have something to say again. There they go laughing and talking about text mates they hide from their husbands; updating on facebook infos they can’t show to their text mate flings; changing names to add more fun.. well they actually believed all those could give their lives more spice and excitement. I guess that’s how it works when you get sick and tired of your ordinary married/family life and since you’re tied up with that fact you don’t have a choice but just try and do it anyway ‘cause it’s… fun?! Lol. Okay. I guess I wouldn’t know it ‘til I get to that age/situation, let’s see. I just never really liked texting that much, or maybe I’m just not that… friendly?! I’d rather spend my boring times writing. There’s just so much to do. But I’d probably understand why or how this came to them. They all have their own problems and issues with their husbands anyway. Well, I’d probably have mine too, I guess we all just have different ways to play the game. So I’d settle down watching, laughing while listening to them. I don’t think I’m ready to go down there and waste my time joining. I don’t mean to be a bitch if you’re thinking I’m acting like one again. I just want to speak my mind so come on give me a break. :D

2 Years Part II: Phases & Cycles

It’s this time again when you feel bad about work’s routine. One minute you’re happy, the other you’re not. Now you’re laughing, later on you’re complaining. I think every employee gets to experience being hell sick of these phases and cycles – and guess what – they just don’t end.

I couldn’t have wished for a better placement. But this place is becoming null…a picture of an island I’m trying to get my way out of. Every day I come here looking forward to going off. This had been in mind even before, well I like it here, but I gotta admit what everybody else denied – the management is crap. I could maybe stand that since ‘business is business’ but in all fairness to other human beings I think we deserve a better treatment than being spit like were pigs and horses. I mean we may just be ‘some workers’ but we deserve a little bit of respect. And here, that’s a bit too much to ask ‘cause it was never given. They just don’t seem to care. And you know what they care about? Themselves. How to make a friggin impression. I mean yea we’re committed to excellence and our client’s success and all that – I’m there. But does that mean you take your own employees for granted? Those who help you out get those people you NEED to make that ‘impression’. All I’m trying to say is…we’re not toys. We can handle those pretty challenges…but we need your help, we’d make better results if we work together you know. At the end of the day all we ever wanted to get us going was a little appreciation. And like I said, it’s just too much to ask.