12.19.11

Today I had a long chat with my sister. We talked about different things and people and even came to more private subjects. It's true I miss talks with her, even with mom, but I'm already kind of "immune" to these things like it wouldn't matter no more as if it's gonna change anything. I just talk, of course, and be open about stuff in my mind. This made me realize how closed we were to discussing important things in a person's life sometimes. There were topics that made her feel awkward. Such topics I didn't care talking about. I have learned from the world, with my own two feet. I have seen, heard, read, experienced but from home and though they are still little, I am still proud. It's a little sad when I think that we were not raised to be open to each other, this is when you get surprised when you figured that after all these years, you never really knew much about each other anymore. It's like she knew me last before she got married, and since then I was on my own. So it's like 'til now she sees me as that 16 year old high school girl who was always the baby in the house. No complains, no regrets for me. Everything is probably meant to happen this way. It's not that I don't care what they think, but I won't need it to change me either. I've become who I am because of what I've been through and we may not share so much information about each other but it doesn't mean we can't be a family. I will try harder to surpass the challenge of being alone. And I don't mean it the negative way, I see it as an inspiration for a harder path to my independence.

She has turned into a Monster...

“It was lately that I’ve been thinking about how she has been. She talks like an arrogant little bitch. She acts like a stubborn little spoiled brat. I don’t know if she knows but she’s gotta stop. This is just not nice at all.

I can see those sharp little needles coming out of her mouth when she speaks to people. Her mind just seems to have closed its doors for things. Her being straightforward has gone way beyond the limit. And I think she needs to know that this has got to come to an end.

I can see two tiny little devil horns growing in her head. Her mind just seems to have been poisoned by things. She has found refuge by putting people down and hurting their feelings. And she needs to know that this is not okay.

It was just lately that I started to worry about how she has been. Ill-words have become easy for her to say. It’s like being sarcastic and mean have become easier than being nice and patient. I want to make her understand the things she knew very well before.

The anger and hate she planted inside her seems to be nurtured by the demons. You may not see it, but I know it’s there. I feel her heart beat faster when her patience is tested. And her thoughts have been invaded by evil powers. Everything just seems to disappoint her and all she can see with her two naked eyes are dark shadows of frustrations and pain. She’s gone rude, sensitive, and bitter. She has stopped caring about other people. She has stopped caring about the world. And she blames the world for her undesirable fate.

It looks like she has stopped welcoming the spirit. And to hell, she cannot lose. She needs to get back to her feet. She needs to get back to her faith. Not for any other pathetic little reasons, but simply to enlighten her to the positive way. She’s lost in the dark and can’t find the light. And this is not the first time. I know she’s been there. But I also know that it’s much harder this time… because it appears that she knows she has turned into a monster…”

68

I try so hard to force myself not to believe you.

I just don’t want to give up thinking there’s a better way than this, a better point than this. I still try to refuse to accept that you may be right. And I guess you’re right. No matter how hard I swerve to run away from fate, it leads me back to the same space, the same phase, the same truth. And I don’t know if there’ll ever be anywhere else for me to go than to you.

And I don’t want to hate you. For reminding me every day that I have lost, I am mad.

I appreciate the concern but you see it wouldn’t change anything. Even if I actually believe you, still, there is no easy way. What difference will it make? I am still to walk through the storm, I am still to conquer the demons. So I guess to finish what I started is best and I might as well gamble. You see, no matter what I choose, I am bound to face one end.

It’s hard to face the truth. I’ve never been bitten by reality so bad like this. And I’ve never been so confused and so torn than I am right now.

I know and am aware of the consequences. And honestly, none of it will be easy; all of it is going to hurt. And I am stuck in the middle, can’t move, because I’m scared to make one stupid mistake. I couldn't agree more with most of your inputs, you've made it clear and expressed your points understandably. And as expected, I connected the dots in all your metaphors.

But you know if there's one thing I've learned in the last couple of years of my life... the best things in life aren't actually for free. You've gotta work hard for it. And sometimes you're going to make the wrong decisions before you learn the right ones.

You see sometimes hiding and escaping are the easy ways out. But unless you get to where you long to be at, you suffer the confusion. And if you won't learn the art of acceptance, you will never be able to move on. There will never be any change at all. This is what I am learning about. Try to read between the lines.

Thank you for being there. You know I never thought it can make me smile to just think that I can depend on you. And right now, that's just perfectly what I need... someone. :)