Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Note 12/05

11 more days before my departure. I don’t know how I feel. Part of me is excited, part of me is anxious. I mean I’ll be travelling alone again ‘til I meet with Alex. It’s kind of something that doesn’t happen too often.

In half a month I’ll be experiencing independence, but part of that somehow is a little scary. But then this is what I wanted. First Christmas without the family. First Christmas I won’t feel the usual homey routine I’ve been doing for 25 years now I guess. First Christmas with Alex. And this actually brings out the risk-taker in me. There will always be a first time anyway. And I’m happy I’m about to venture into a new experience.

I’m going to miss my family, of course, but I know this’ll be worth it.

Apart from that there is so much yet to prepare. So many things to accomplish before anything else. And my last week here will definitely be busier than usual. Oh well.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

A Simple Note


In this place I am a beggar for attention
In this phase I can only write a song
Through the maze I am dying for affection
Find a place anywhere I can belong

Somehow someway I am a seeker of protection
Tomorrow, today I keep waiting far too long
Somewhen someday I’ll no longer chase your consolation
Countless yesterdays I’ve been aching for too long

In this case I am a fighter for satisfaction
In this haze I cry a tear and sing my song
Through the race I have given my affection
Now I’m at a place somewhere I know I belong.

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

C.H.A.N.G.E.

In the last six months I have experienced so many different things in this walk of life; some new realizations, diverse sentiments and massive changes. Perhaps I can say I am presently standing at the biggest turning point of my life; whether it concerns my career or my personal life. I have probably never had anything big on my shoulders as this that every time I think about it my brain seems to stop running and I just turn blank. I wish the answers were as easy as 19 years ago when I only had to problem a broken shoe heel.
 
I have always been very careful with every decision I had to make. Things may not go my way all the time but I was mostly, if not always, blessed with pretty little consolations. Well now it’s different. Big things need more caution. And as we age so are our problems. It’s like you get tougher challenges as you make it through the previous level. Whatever choice you make, you deal with the accompanying consequence.
 
Right now it’s in or out, it’s up or down, stop or go and left or right. I can only choose one and I ought to be really careful and considerate. I find myself faced with a difficult challenge that I need to overcome fast. The clock ticks as if I’m about to be executed. It’s like I have to choose “A” because I need to and I want to choose “B” because it’s where I want to be. The stress when you’re torn between what you want and what you need. But what you need doesn’t always mean it’s the right choice. And there must be another way to have both. I just don’t know exactly how right now.
 
Maybe I do. I’m just scared to take the risk. I have been accustomed to my comfort zone that it’s hard to walk away from it and seek the independence I never had. It seems that I’ve been walking around the same park for a long time now and I haven’t even managed to get my feet moving forward. This position, it could change my life in a nick of time. It could give me the change I’ve been longing for. This circumstance could either bring me up or pull me down. And I have got to be prepared for both.
 
I can set my mind to however I want to, or at least try. But I can’t run away from the inevitable. I won’t have to try to escape like it’s the last thing I can do. I just have to do what my heart tells me to and know that whether it’s wrong or right it’s going to make me happy. For now, I’d like to say that’s important. But the irony of life I know will never leave me without a price. I guess nothing really comes free. I will have to be strong for myself. The courage to face the pain will be my strength to resist it.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Per Request :)

Somebody told me that I should write a description of myself. So here I am, squeezing my brain out to focus on a subject per request.

Well, literally speaking, I have long black hair (which apparently I just dyed with some kind of a copper-mahogany color mixture). I have dark brown eyes and I’m about 5 foot 2 inches in height (yep! I’m that short). I’m not sure if I belong to the petite, but I guess I do, and size-wise I’m an average. But yes feel free to call me “hot” I’d gladly accept that. I wear eyeglasses sometimes as I am near-sighted. My skin is of fair-brown complexion, and I like to wear make-up but not much, I just can’t walk out of the house without some lipstick on or my brows done; unless of course I’m in a really really big rush. And with that I mean REALLY BIG. I’m no fashionista because I don’t have all the money to buy everything that pleases my eyes. But I like to wear heels just as I like wearing flip flops. I like to wear blouses that fit, but I also like to be trendy. When I’m home chilling I really don’t care. I barely wear accessories unlike way back in my high school years. When I need to, I just choose simple ones like some bangles and round earrings or long trendy necklace. I grew up wearing gold bracelets and necklaces from mom and I realized I’ve grown tired of ‘em. I still appreciate them as who would not – they’re shining shimmering splendid like the princess that I am, but right now I’m only wearing one worn out gold ring which I never take off my finger for I-don’t-know-hell-what-reasons. Maybe I’m just too lazy to remember to wear ‘em. Woot-!

Okay before I get carried away. I am also a piece of emotional work of art J I have so many feelings and I like to reflect on them. This makes me see how much I’ve grown emotionally all through the years.

I am mysterious. I have a tiny little ball of secrets. I don’t share myself completely to strangers. I think I am just not that social so I leave a little something to myself and for others to find out.

I am sensitive. I have a big yard of moods. But I’m not a chameleon though. I tend to keep other people’s words inside my head and juggle them. I’m kind of an observant too. I tend to stare at stuff blankly while my brain works in different directions. I like to think a lot. But when I get tired of doing that I figured friends can make life happier J

I’m a little impatient; and a little pushy too. Sometimes I’m bitchy, sometimes I’m nice. Well most of the time I’m bitchy. And I think it’s because I don’t want to be put down. It’s like when you’re that nice benevolent little holy child people take advantage of you. And I don’t want to be treated that way. I don’t want to be stepped down. More like “don’t pull your trigger on me and I won’t put a spell on you”. And when people do, my mouth starts to set fire. I don’t like it that way, but sometimes in life you may have to learn how to fight your way through.

My sister described me the “tiger” because ever since I was a child I never give it up without a fight. And I didn’t care if they call me the bad girl, the bad person, actually. But don’t get me wrong, I am kind. I do have a heart still. I like to see other people happy, especially the kids. I love children, and I hate seeing a lot of them in the streets when they should be in their homes or in school. I feel sad when I see them do bad stuff because they were not given the proper guidance they need.

I’m not a grudge, but I dwell on broken promises and unkept words longer than usual. I don’t know if there’s an adjective for that. To put it simply, I believe that word is gold.

I have a weakness on decision-making. At times it’s not because I’m scared of consequences but because I want to make sure I’m not all words. When it’s choosing between two important things, I take time to weigh them. I can be impulsive, but I guess I don’t want to make the wrong ones. However, depending on the urgency or the gravity of the situation, I tend to be a risk-taker.

I am unpredictable. No explanations.

I think I’m adventurous. I like trying new things. I like to be in places I’ve never been. I like to travel and discover interesting, weird stuff. I like to try challenging activities but only if I find them interesting, or, if worse comes to worst, if I’m encouraged and inspired enough to do so. It takes a lot of hard work to get me motivated sometimes.

I’m kind of the lazy-type, but if I’m with cool people whom I can relate to, it’s easy to go up and running. I don’t want to do stuff just to do it nor impress other people, I want to do it because I’m interested in it, or if I like it and probably will enjoy it.

I am weird. I am both introvert and extrovert, I’m a cowgirl but I’m choosy, a princess but a slave, you know what I’m saying? I can be sad and happy at the same time. I’m a big furious lion with a kitty’s heart. I’m deceiving, whether I like it or not L

I think I’m open-minded. I find it interesting to listen to other people’s opinions on stuff that I like to think about. I pay respect to how others want to live their lives or what beliefs they have. Actually, it just doesn’t matter to me. If I like your opinion, I don’t care. If I think it’s lame, I still don’t care. This is yours and you’re entitled to that. Just like I am. I play by this rule. There may be quite a few times I am easily influenced, I can go with the flow, but then again I really don’t care; as long as it’s not harming me.

I am a bit selfish. But only when it comes to the people I love. I love my family and I’ll fight for them and for our rights. I don’t want to let anybody take advantage of that. I think everybody would want to do the same. We can all be selfish when it comes to our own. Moreover, I’m selfish because I don’t want to share my boyfriend. I can share food, clothing, or any of my material possessions, but a boyfriend is clearly an exception. ‘Nuff said.

I’m not smart, most of the time I’m stupid. I make my way not because I’m brainy and bright. I make my way because I’m determined, and when I’m determined I persevere; especially when it comes to getting what I want. If by all means I can’t get my desired results, I want to make sure it’s a well-deserved result.

I’m beautiful. Not because other people tell me I am but because I feel so. And I’m sexy. I love my body. It’s not as perfect as in photoshoped pictures in magazines or do I have a model-like figure, but I like me this way. I don’t feel fat and I don’t think I’m too thin. So basically, I feel just right. J

I am proud, but not all the time. I brag quite a lot, and amazingly in my own discreet way. But I want to do that if I know I can back it up. Otherwise I’ll have war with my own ego. Apparently, I like to brag about the people I love. I like to brag about what they said, what they did, or how they make me think or feel. When I’m proud about something, there’s no reason to keep it to myself. I like showing the world how I feel about something. Wouldn’t you want to share to the world little happiness like those little pieces of positive feelings? But the good thing is I’m always aware of my limitations. I watch myself from getting carried away or overreacting.

I’m quite needy. Not just when I’m drunk or lonely. I need love, I need my family and friends, I need good times, good food, good drinks. I need things to perk me up. I need appreciation, I need attention, I need guidance, knowledge and wisdom. Yes, just like all of you. I’m human after all. But I need them probably more than you do. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’m a scaredy-cat. I fear a lot of things. I’m scared of losing the things and the people I have. I fear rejection, I fear guilt, I fear staring at this long narrow hallway in my mind that leads me to tears. I fear being left behind. I fear the silence of the woods when I’m all alone. I fear those emotional demons my brain battles with every now and then.

Well you may consider asking the people who know me well. Who knows you might just find something interesting you’d fall head over heels in love with me, or, worst you’d want to walk away and forget me.

Friday, July 20, 2012

"The Disease"

Fanning the fire is like nurturing a deadly virus. In the end, you get beaten by it.

Lately I’ve been battling with my own devil inside. It kills me, and not just me but even the closest people to me. I’ve been spoiled to winning, to getting what I want, to making my way out of every crazy loophole. And this is like a disease that had been cultivated inside me.

I find it hard to search my own cure. It’s all in my mind, in my controls, and yet I still find it too difficult to withdraw from what seemed to have already resisted in the pillars of my veins. This is frustrating. And it’s disturbing to think that I am fully aware of what I should be doing to end this, but I’m too stubborn to even care.

I feel sorry that I have to put myself into this. I feel sorry I am pissing my boyfriend off. I feel sorry I am too self-centered to notice what comes out of my mouth. I feel sorry I had to come to this level of impatience that I fail to even mind others’ feelings. I feel sorry for being a pre-Madonna ever since the world begun.

My moods have become recurrent. My temper has overtaken me. And letting them drive the wheels will not take me anywhere better. I know I have been mean. I have been a bad, bad girl. I know I’ve been infected. And this depression must take a rest somewhere before everything starts to break down.

Its never enough that my eyes are open to this tract of barren land. Never, I know. And it will never be ever be safe to keep playing safe. I think it would be ideal that I for once go the extra mile for my own healings sake.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Who Do You Think You Are?

Who do you think you are?

Running around like youre some superstar
Shouting around like you know everything
Move your stinking guts behind the bar
Before I cut your throat, you little avatar!
 
Who do you think you are?

Bossing around like you’re some megastar
Bragging about how you’ve seen everything
Well zip your mouth and stop trying so hard
You’re just as big as your head, go home and get barred!
 
Who do you think you are?
 
Laughing so loud I want to seal you in a jar
Walking around like a king or something
Ha! Watch your step, pathetic little twerp
Couple more trips and I’ll end you, derp!
 
You’ll be history in a snap of my dirty little fingers.
So who the F* you think you are!

Monday, April 30, 2012

Time ~

Yes. I have come to consciousness. I've decided what I want and I'll go for it. Just like what I should have been doing ever since.

Little by little I'll make a good grasp, for sure time and patience will work with me, if I seal this contract.

I am not going to let you press me. 'Cause this is not right. 'Cause this is not how it's supposed to be. I am not going to let you disrespect me. Shame on you that you did it once, but shame on me if I let you do it again.

I have been travelling in this same old spot just so you know. And I know how it feels to be invisible, to kneel down and beg and receive nothing, I know how it feels to be nothing at all.

Don't you dare, just don't you dare. I have never in my conscious life ever been that clumsy and careless. I do not deserve to be mistreated by anyone.

Til then I have decided. I am going to live! I am going to spend what I have. I am going to do what I want and go where I want and splurge with the time I have. I am going to live my life for me and I am going to make me happy with everything I see, everything I do, and everyone I spend my precious life with!

I have been working too hard for the future. A future I am not certain of. I cannot let this erase what I can enjoy at my present. Why did I even let it try.

There is more that I can offer. There is more that I can give. I can give you what your money cannot buy. I can make you feel better than life. But if all this does not suffice, then forgive me I cannot bother to waste any more time.

I am not going to let you reign because I am supposed to be my own queen. I've been a slave for some time now and I refuse to be sullied by you and your big air balloon. It is time for fairness. And fairness is going to start right here within me. It is time for balance. It is time that I give time to me.

Let all this take effect immediately. So mote it be.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Hangganan.. - Ika-9 ng Abril 2012

Minsan kailangan mong subukan ang isang tao kung hanggang saan ka niya kayang tiisin, kung hanggang saan ka niya kayang intindihin, kung hanggang saan ka niya kayang mahalin. Hindi naman madali ang gawin 'yon. Mas mahirap pa nga siguro ang malaman mo na hindi ka niya kayang ipaglaban hanggang sa huli.

Gustuhin ko mang hindi na isulat ito, somehow kailangan kong mailabas ito sa dibdib ko. Ang hirap magpakatotoo minsan..lalo pa kung alam mo kung ano ang pwedeng masira dahil dito. Tinatanong ko ang sarili ko minsan..kung ako kaya, naging kagaya niya, kami pa kaya hanggang ngayon? Pwede, pwede ring hindi. Ang dami kong reklamo sa isip ko ngayon. Sa totoo lang nasasaktan naman ako eh. Kaya lang gusto ko siyang intindihin. Gusto ko siyang lumigaya sa mundo niya. Gusto ko rin maintindihan kung paano niya pinatatakbo ang pagsasama namin sa isip niya. Ang kaligayahan niya, kasama kaya ako dun? Kasama kaya ako sa mga plano niya? Kasama kaya ako sa mga pangarap niya? O ang lahat ng ito ba ay kailangan ko nang ipagparaya..?

Maraming beses na nga siguro akong naging ganito. Inisip ko na rin na may topak lang ako. Siguro nga, kailangan ko pang mahalin ang sarili ko. Pero hindi lang naman iyon eh.. nararamdaman ko.. limitado pa nga ang halaga ko para sa kanya. Kung mawawala ako sa kanya, hindi nga niya siguro ikakatakot iyon. Ganon ka-bukas ang isip niya sa mga bagay. At sa dami ng ginagawa niya sa buhay niya, minsan pakiramdam ko nakakalimutan niya ako. Sa dami ng taong nakakasalamuha niya sa buhay niya, saan kaya ang lugar ko dun? Ayoko mang makipag-agawan ng atensiyon, gusto ko sa lahat ng gagawin niya, dun siya masaya, at iyon ay gusto niyang talaga. At ang masakit lang.. ay nakikita ko na ang sagot sa mga tanong ko, umaasa pa rin ako.. nararamdaman ko nang hindi na mangyayari ang mga pangarap ko, eh nandito pa rin ako..

Sana lang..makahanap ako ng lakas. Yung sapat para hindi na ako masaktan kahit ano pang mangyari. Sana dumating yung araw na hindi na ako mahirapang tanggapin na lahat ng bagay ay may katapusan. Tanggapin na kahit pag-ibig ay may hangganan..

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

My heart isn't completely happy. Above everything I have in my life at present, it still feels like something is missing. And no matter how many smiles and laughters I make in a day, in a week, in a month, what's inside me is still a shadow of reality that my heart is crying.

Whenever I see other people's biggest and happiest moments on TV, my tear glands break down. Whenever there's a line or a quote or a song I wish to have heard, I smile in tears. And whenever this happens, I have to hide myself away. In my life lessons I have learned to keep it within me, I have learned to wear that mask everyday and be steel-hearted when I go out that door.

A lot of reasons I had for being angry and impatient lately. My mouth has lost it's benevolence. My mind has created bigger spaces for negativity to rent in. And my heart, this pathetic heart, has locked itself in the dark where no one can ever touch it, nor hurt it. The reservations have led me to keep that border standing until the time. And til now I keep waiting, diary, and it seems like nothing has changed.

Well, I will leave now. If I am given a chance to make a wish though, I'd wish to have the strength to never stop believing...even in the impossible.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

12 Foot Deep

I was glad I wasn’t able to write kept thoughts.
The truth is…I didn’t want to think. I am glad I am not forced by myself to think.
It’s like what I feel doesn’t have to matter anymore.
I just found relief in cutting the huge pieces of issues to tiny little ones I can manage to swallow.
I am a girl after all. I can endure emotional stress.
The truth is…I don’t want to be stressed. So I am glad I have found a resting place.
Somewhere I can lie down and ignore the world.
This isn’t heaven at all, it’s still pretty messed up.
But it heals me as if I travelled with time.
The truth is…I’m getting by, even if I feel my heart dragged down the gravel sometimes.
It’s like I have deprived myself of the right to be hurt.
And I can’t be naïve, so I made my way to this place, a place I can manage to be in between.
I don’t let rage overtake and I don’t come clean.
The truth is…I have been changed. I know I am not perfect and I can’t gripe.
Amid the flaws and failures I stand like an ant.
But what can I say. My scream is the silence and I find home in beautiful dreams.
There is nothing I can do because time goes on even if I stop.
The truth is…I’m running after it to catch up, almost all the time.
It’s like I have stopped living and by then I must stop feeling.
Then again, I’m just glad I can walk through thick and thorns now.

Friday, February 03, 2012

little me against the World..

So here you are again writing me when your battery is low.

Everything not working the way you want it?

Before your system begins to shut down, breathe

Remember, this is how it is. So take it easy and take a deep breath.

Anger makes you wanna cry? Frustrated? Disappointed?

Leave that picture for a second. Let’s go somewhere else.

It’s not gonna work if you force yourself to think of something effin happy, you simply need to absorb the negative so it’s easier to compose yourself while it’s there.

But leave the idea that you’re angry, frustrated, or fucked up. Let’s focus on the problem at hand – and that is that your expectations weren’t met.

Hmm…this is quite easy. Let’s get you charged.

There are two sides of every story. So when you’re facing the shitty side, turn around.

Remember that all problems have various selections of solutions. You just gotta choose the right pick. And sometimes if it doesn’t work the first try, you gotta make a second pick.

This is how it is. And for you, old happy thoughts are highly unlikely to work. Perhaps a dreamer isn’t always a dreamer. Sometimes we have to be realistic.

Do you feel a little better now?

This is one small scratch now honey, so get going.

They probably just won’t go as you planned, but they’re gonna go through and that’s what’s important.

You’ll be fine.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

The World As I See It

The world as I see it, is a remarkable place
A beautiful house in a forest, of stars in outer space
From a birds eye view, I can see it has a well-rounded personality
From a birds eye view, I can see we are family

It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No, it’s not a difficult thing
It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
Because you are the world to me

Yeah the world as I see it, is a remarkable place
Every man makes a difference and every mother’s child is a saint
From a birds eye view I can see, we are spiraling down in gravity
From a birds eye view I can see, you are just like me

It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No, it’s not a difficult thing
It’s not hard for me to love you
Oh I really love you unconditionally
No, it’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No, it’s not a difficult thing
It’s not hard for me to love you
Oh I really love you,
Love you are the world to me

You are the mountain, you are the rock
You are the cord and you’re the spark
You are the eagle, you are the lark
You are the world and you’re remarkable
You’re the ocean eating the shore
You are the calm inside the storm
You’re every emotion, you can endure
You are the world and the world is yours.

It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No, it’s not a difficult thing
No, it’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you unconditionally
No, it’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No, it’s not a difficult thing.
It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you, because you are the world to me
No, it’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No it’s not a difficult thing (No, it’s not a difficult thing)
It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you (really it’s not hard),
Because you are the world to me.
Yeah the world as I see it, is a remarkable place.