12.19.11

Today I had a long chat with my sister. We talked about different things and people and even came to more private subjects. It's true I miss talks with her, even with mom, but I'm already kind of "immune" to these things like it wouldn't matter no more as if it's gonna change anything. I just talk, of course, and be open about stuff in my mind. This made me realize how closed we were to discussing important things in a person's life sometimes. There were topics that made her feel awkward. Such topics I didn't care talking about. I have learned from the world, with my own two feet. I have seen, heard, read, experienced but from home and though they are still little, I am still proud. It's a little sad when I think that we were not raised to be open to each other, this is when you get surprised when you figured that after all these years, you never really knew much about each other anymore. It's like she knew me last before she got married, and since then I was on my own. So it's like 'til now she sees me as that 16 year old high school girl who was always the baby in the house. No complains, no regrets for me. Everything is probably meant to happen this way. It's not that I don't care what they think, but I won't need it to change me either. I've become who I am because of what I've been through and we may not share so much information about each other but it doesn't mean we can't be a family. I will try harder to surpass the challenge of being alone. And I don't mean it the negative way, I see it as an inspiration for a harder path to my independence.

She has turned into a Monster...

“It was lately that I’ve been thinking about how she has been. She talks like an arrogant little bitch. She acts like a stubborn little spoiled brat. I don’t know if she knows but she’s gotta stop. This is just not nice at all.

I can see those sharp little needles coming out of her mouth when she speaks to people. Her mind just seems to have closed its doors for things. Her being straightforward has gone way beyond the limit. And I think she needs to know that this has got to come to an end.

I can see two tiny little devil horns growing in her head. Her mind just seems to have been poisoned by things. She has found refuge by putting people down and hurting their feelings. And she needs to know that this is not okay.

It was just lately that I started to worry about how she has been. Ill-words have become easy for her to say. It’s like being sarcastic and mean have become easier than being nice and patient. I want to make her understand the things she knew very well before.

The anger and hate she planted inside her seems to be nurtured by the demons. You may not see it, but I know it’s there. I feel her heart beat faster when her patience is tested. And her thoughts have been invaded by evil powers. Everything just seems to disappoint her and all she can see with her two naked eyes are dark shadows of frustrations and pain. She’s gone rude, sensitive, and bitter. She has stopped caring about other people. She has stopped caring about the world. And she blames the world for her undesirable fate.

It looks like she has stopped welcoming the spirit. And to hell, she cannot lose. She needs to get back to her feet. She needs to get back to her faith. Not for any other pathetic little reasons, but simply to enlighten her to the positive way. She’s lost in the dark and can’t find the light. And this is not the first time. I know she’s been there. But I also know that it’s much harder this time… because it appears that she knows she has turned into a monster…”

68

I try so hard to force myself not to believe you.

I just don’t want to give up thinking there’s a better way than this, a better point than this. I still try to refuse to accept that you may be right. And I guess you’re right. No matter how hard I swerve to run away from fate, it leads me back to the same space, the same phase, the same truth. And I don’t know if there’ll ever be anywhere else for me to go than to you.

And I don’t want to hate you. For reminding me every day that I have lost, I am mad.

I appreciate the concern but you see it wouldn’t change anything. Even if I actually believe you, still, there is no easy way. What difference will it make? I am still to walk through the storm, I am still to conquer the demons. So I guess to finish what I started is best and I might as well gamble. You see, no matter what I choose, I am bound to face one end.

It’s hard to face the truth. I’ve never been bitten by reality so bad like this. And I’ve never been so confused and so torn than I am right now.

I know and am aware of the consequences. And honestly, none of it will be easy; all of it is going to hurt. And I am stuck in the middle, can’t move, because I’m scared to make one stupid mistake. I couldn't agree more with most of your inputs, you've made it clear and expressed your points understandably. And as expected, I connected the dots in all your metaphors.

But you know if there's one thing I've learned in the last couple of years of my life... the best things in life aren't actually for free. You've gotta work hard for it. And sometimes you're going to make the wrong decisions before you learn the right ones.

You see sometimes hiding and escaping are the easy ways out. But unless you get to where you long to be at, you suffer the confusion. And if you won't learn the art of acceptance, you will never be able to move on. There will never be any change at all. This is what I am learning about. Try to read between the lines.

Thank you for being there. You know I never thought it can make me smile to just think that I can depend on you. And right now, that's just perfectly what I need... someone. :)

Do You Know What It's Like? -

How do you feel when you hear the words “I like you”?

Does it get you flashing an instant smile? Do you get the thrills?

I’m sure these words make the heart smile among other truths.

Regardless of who said it, you are flattered. And it motivates you to keep that impression there.

When your boyfriend tells you this, does it give you the chills as if your all time crush was saying it?

When your ex- tells you this, does it give you the chills as if your boyfriend was saying it?

Think. 

How do you feel when you hear the words “I care for you”?

And you hear those words from somebody else.

I’m sure it’s easy to believe how comforting those words are.

But does it make you feel awkward to hear it from another voice?

Or do you like the idea of having so many flings care for you?

When a suitor tells you this, how far do you go to entertain?

Think.

How do you feel when you hear the words “I love you”?

Now these words are deep and packed with meaning.

When your boyfriend tells you this, does it give you the thrills and your heart goes melting?

When a crush tells you this, does it give you the same feeling?

If someone wants or tries to kiss you, would you let him do it?

Regardless if you like the person or not, if you want to kiss, would you kiss someone else?

I’m sure you won’t even need to think.

What happens in a bar where you and your friends hang out with some acquaintances and everybody expects you to flirt around and play around like you would if you were single?

What happens if you spent some time alone with a good friend who apparently admits that he likes you and expresses he wants to be together with you?

Let me tell you a story I will never forget.

John, from the first sight was no doubt a good-looking guy. He was a nice guy and he gets along with everybody else, even with Nikko who seems to be the hyperactive easy-go-lucky type. I was introduced to them days before we went to this bar with all the others. I know my friends and what they can do; likewise they know me and how far I go to break my limitations. The only difference was that time I was already in a relationship. I had a boyfriend, and he was there just a few hours ago.

I was tipsy but I was also called “boring” for not giving Nikko a lap dance. It was a joke and I wouldn’t have cared even if it was not. I gave my girls little smacks as it was an easier dare for the girls. My friends were drunk, but they could do that 24/7 nonstop (to exaggerate). It was John’s turn to spin the bottle, and he was dared to kiss my friend. He was all smiles while everyone expects him to do the challenge. My friend was excited, I could tell; and everybody else pushed them closer to each other.

“Wait. I’m not supposed to do it for real, right?” John asked.

Everybody started booing him and at first I just thought maybe he didn’t like my friend at all. They shouted “do it!” and looking at him I knew right there he was a little bit pressured between having fun and his commitment.

“But… I have a girlfriend...” John said, still smiling.

I was right. And I couldn’t help admiring him for the courage to say that in front of the group. It was weird that I felt so happy for his girlfriend back home, even if I didn’t know her. For a man like John, she has nothing to worry. I felt for him, somehow, and truly if you have that firm understanding of your commitment, nobody can come to break that. ‘Cause it would have been broken if John let it. It’s simple as that. And by this simple act you can tell what kind of a man he is.

Know your limitations. This isn’t something you ought to discuss with your partner. It’s something innate.

TORN - October 24, 2011

So I was saying… Why don’t I take that big risky leap and move away from here? Start doing something else and add more people in my circle whom later on I can maybe call friends…

Okay. Now is that moment when I’m really urging for a new environment! Now is that moment when I’m about to spread my wings to get ready to fly.

Suddenly, my enthusiasm shrinks.

I ought to finish my Master’s Degree. Yep that’s two more years. And apparently the only thing that holds me back from moving.

Is this supposed to be good or bad?

I try to look at the brighter side of it, but, two years… I could be doing more; I could be looking at a bigger ball of opportunities.

Well, now is that moment when I’m left torn between two important achievements in my life; now is that moment that I kind of have to settle down priorities, ask myself what I really want.

If I stand on a cliff and look far and beyond, I see two things: independence and greater future keys. Independence is the change I want to have; the freedom to finally do what I want to be doing. But it’s like the more I run for it the more it is pulled away from me. If I stay and do the same routine in the same old alley I battle with insanity. Getting this degree is a gem I can’t put to waste for one day it can land me to the so-called success. But at the back of my mind I’m asking myself why…

Why must I run after success?

What’s pushing me to that road right there?

I just want to do what I dream of doing and be in places I dream of going, and to me, that’s already an accomplishment.

Do I really want to be a manager, a boss, or climb the corporate ladder?

People advise me not to hurry. But I’m 25 after today. I want to try something else. I want to grow and gain more experiences.

And if I stay, that is unlikely to happen. If I look at it that way then I don’t want to stay.


Every day when I wake I see the same old setting. And somehow, it makes me sick.

Enjoying my studies can be something new, the challenges can hone me, and learning itself is growth; now if I see it this way, I can maybe take two more years and extend my patience before I break free.

Sometimes I just wonder why it has to be this tough to be in the middle…

My Wish List :)

1.      I wanna dance.

2.      I wanna sing.

3.      I want a job where I can grow.

4.      I wanna travel the world.

5.      I wanna go to a place beautiful than what I’ve already seen.

6.      I wanna party and get wasted.

7.      I wanna kiss.

8.      I wanna build my own home.

9.      I want my mom and pop to be okay.

10.     I wanna live somewhere else.

11.     I wanna be a billionaire and help feed the hungry kids and dogs.

12.     If I can’t be number 11, I’ll just feed them in any way I can.

13.     I wanna go on a picnic at the park with a lover.

14.     I wanna go back to El Nido.

15.     I wanna drive my own car.

16.     I wanna have formal piano lessons.

17.     I wish visas were never hard to get so I can start doing number 4.

18.     A wonderfully different celebration of my birthday.

19.     I wanna play the guitar and write cheesy songs.

20.     I wanna have more friends.

Random Thoughts III - October 03, 2011

You know sometimes people dislike people.

And most if not all the time the people they hate are those exactly like them.

And they don’t even realize that, or, more like they refuse to think it is so.

I think I come to realize such when someone starts to talk how one person believes in crap, only to find out he does almost the same.

You know sometimes I’m also wondering if the life we live is about making an impression.

Of course we can live it to the fullest; of course it’s our choice to live it happily.

But tell me is life all about who does more or who did the best?

Is life all about proving yourself to the world and showing off what you have achieved?

How about us who were deprived to step on the higher pedestal? We’re happy with the little things; sometimes we even find joy in nothingness.

You know sometimes it just makes me wonder why some people live their lives in view of that, and some don’t even realize that.

You know sometimes I just ask myself a lot of questions just when I thought I knew a lot, well, I don’t after all.

And life surprises me a lot.

Sometimes it even puts me down.

And every time that happens, I’m reminded of how different I am and how small I can be in the eyes of the world.

What can I do? I’m not here to impress the world, or rather, I’m not gifted enough to compete.

But even if you don’t choose to join in, nature forces you to…in some inevitable situations.

See how ironic that is?

Even that really sucks sometimes.

Cheers.

Holiday in El Nido - October 03, 2011

So the rain is pouring, and I sit by myself, writing a journal about how good it feels to be alone sometimes.

They still enjoy swimming, with the rain on their skin, that’s so cool.

Yes, I’m watching people get soaked up in the beach some feet away from the café I’m at.

The sea is beautiful.

I love the sand too.

This is by far one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been to. Also, one of the best holiday vacations I’ve had.

But this pizza’s getting cold and the juice is getting warm.

I hear bed calling again, or is it just my head? It’s kind of spinning, and yet my inner self is so geared up to write and savor this special moment with myself.

German girls playing chess in front of me and two couple pairs sniffing on shisha right next to my table, just sharing enough smoke to me and my curious nostrils. Some elder Americans with two young Filipinas…I don’t wanna discuss on my opinion to that.

Sun is coming out again like it did every other fifteen minutes. Seems like it’s taking turns with the rain for a couple of days now.

Still, it can’t beat the beauty of a paradise I see right now. Green little broccolis sticking into a really huge, more like gigantic, rock. They look so tiny from here, though I know I’m just a little ant to it.

What am I to do when all these ends?

Yes, in four days.

In four days I’ll be waking up from a dream; in four days I’m back to reality. And sometimes reality sucks.

This vacation may have rained or shined too, like the weather, there were times it made me feel really happy and excited; and there were also times it sucked that I’d even wanna go home.

But I still like it.

It reminds me that no matter where you go or what you do, life will not always be happy. You need to get fucked up from time to time whether you like it or not, for some unavoidable reasons.

Whoa! Power.

Ah, music finally in my ears…and the frappe soothes the mood. Solidarity fills me, and even if I can’t show it in my face right now, I’m smiling. I’m smiling for the good food, good music, and good thinking mood.

But once again the rain pours. And I’m still here. If I can make a wish I’d wish for more holidays like this. And before it actually ends I hope I find a good reason to do it again.

The Grudge

It kind of frustrated me the very moment it rang to my ears.

I was right. He’s not over it. He just can’t get over it.

I thought at first I could just ignore it. I mean, you know, we kind of talked about it already and I assumed everything was patched up. Well, the case isn’t closed at all, and it will never be unless he opens up his mind and work through his own thinking.

Oh please, everybody tries to move the hell on. Why can’t he do it? It sucks, right, it hurts like shit, absolutely. But in this stupid life which happens to be unfair sometimes, we just gotta help ourselves too. You can’t force the things you can’t control. If you want to be happy, focus on those things you can control, and the first on the list is your own way of thinking. Yourself, your actions.

He probably knows it’s wrong to demand on such things from my mother. And I ain’t tryina back her up, I just wanna put an end to this. He can’t be too demanding of things just because she has done him wrong. It’s just not right that he now uses her flaws to hurt her even more. There were reasons behind every little detail of their story, and the problem isn’t with who did the good nor who did the bad, but with who’s willing to fully get himself up off the mud.

He can’t go on living his life in paranoia. It wouldn’t be healthy, not for them both and for that marriage. Yes, it must have been really hard for him to forget how much hurt it caused him. It must have been really hard to accept the reality that the woman he loved would do such thing. But hey, shit happens. In this life, there is no exception. Everybody gets fucked up in so many different ways. I can perhaps understand the fact that the aftermath is a long and hard process. But I don’t understand why he wants to cause them both stress by demanding specific things and controlling her. I mean we can’t change things anymore, the only thing they can both do is do better, the second time around. Just because she has done a huge mistake doesn’t mean he didn’t.

I can feel that he has not accepted these things yet. There is no forgiveness at all. Well it’s pretty hard I know, but unless he’s sure of it, he can compose himself and try to think of a way to help himself stop make everything worse.

"Best You Never Had"

After all the kimi-kimi tikang han ak pagskwela kunohay, heto at nakapagsulat nanaman ako. Sarap ng feeling! Lalo na at perfect timing sa mga pagkakataon na ako'y nag-iisa, err--not physically. You know it.

Matagal ko nang gustong isulat yung tungkol sa isang taong hanggang ngayon iba ang impact sa'twing nakikita ko ang pangalan niya sa facebook. Chos! Hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit suddenly naappear hiya hit picture at gustong ibalik ang ka-echusan...at kung ano man 'yung meron namin noon, iyon ay nakalipas na. Bakit kelangan niyang ipaalala sa'kin iyon? :(

Bakit kelangan niyang sumulpot ng pabigla-bigla out of nowhere at sasabihin pang gusto niyang mag-communicate. Ako ba ay chine-chenggay niya or what? Ngayon pa na hindi ko na iyon kelangan. Ngayon pa na hindi na ako nadadala sa mga ganong ek-ek na salita. Somehow, I was able to read you, Mr.. Get real. Huwag mong gawin sa akin ito kung hindi mo naman kayang panindigan.

Why in the world must I fly to his country anyway? Ano 'to, laro? Hehehe. Tsk. Ang mga lalaki talaga! Akala siguro nila napapa-ikot nila ako sa palad nila, well, kanya-kanyang laro tayo! Sa huli, talo ang di na magreply! Hahaha..

Ang saya ko naman na ako'y naalala niya. Kaya lang, it's too good to be true, like hello? So I just popped into your mind and your thoughts and you found yourself thinking of the memories and all that? Hmm..oh please..I know you're poetic, but I'm not stupid. :/ Ganon lang? Then you tell me pretty words that could've made me say 'awwhh' plus the :) after it - LOL - apparently I was more of a :-O ! And ?... geeze.

Itago mo na lang yung awit na binigay ko para sa iyo. Hanggang ngayon naman ikaw ang naaalala ko sa awit na iyan. At kung gusto mong manatili ang communication natin gaya ng sabi mo, okay lang, huwag mo lang akong puno-in ng mga ka-echusan mo. 'Coz I won't believe it anyway. Besides, may iba na akong gusto, at oo mahal ko siya. Sana maging masaya na lang tayo sa mga relationships natin, diba? Char.

Masaya na ako, sana ganon ka na lang din. :) Huwag mo na lang lituhin ang isip ko. Kung pwede ko lang sanang sabihin iyan sa kanya at unahan ang pagkakataon; kaya lang ang feeler ko naman siguro niyan. Bahala na si batman. Hindi ko rin naman maitatanggi na masaya ako't dumaan siya sa buhay ko; siya ang naging daan sa lahat ng malaking pagbabago na gumuhit sa buhay ko, kaya, isa siyang taong hindi ko malilimutan kahit papaano. At alam niya iyon...kaya ako ngayon...ay sasakay sa agos ng ilog...

Click here -> Best You Never Had

TEKKIE!

Facebook rocks, Facebook sucks

You’ll never know just when to stop

Founders crop the billion bucks

Thanks to you they’re now on top

For boredom, for business,

To haters, to foolishness

For lovers, for buggers,

To midnight sun gamers.

Twitter here, Twitter there

Tweeting almost every day

Hackers play the internet scare

Techie rules the world today!

From addiction to insanity,

Destroying lives and individuality

Breaking hearts and innocence

Creating fires and decadence.

State your side, or go with the tide

We welcome the world of innovation

You and I have the freedom to decide

Hence we ride the new generation

Come one, come all

It’s moving fast, it’s taken its toll

Do ride, do taste

The pace, the gravity and haste.

Mean*

You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again
Got me feeling like a nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I'm wounded
You picking on the weaker man

Well you can take me down with just one single blow
but you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides
And your wildfire lies and your humiliation
You have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don't already see them
I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now
Cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar
Talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion
But nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing
But all you are is mean

All you are is mean
And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever going to be is mean,

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

Scared-y-cat

Here I am again wanting to say something. Actually, I will try my best to speak in general although the subject screams to be specified. Lol. I’m just waiting for Apple so we can have lunch, and I also thought about this one first thing when I woke up at Rashel’s. Parte chuva-choo-choo, kay bisan pigilan ko at the back of my mind aada it thought. I’m scared. Siguro kasi nag-agi naman gud ako hin mga sugad hini before and I can’t help but compare. I mean – I’ve always been the risk-taker pagdating sa ganito, pero habang tumatagal mas natatakot akong masaktan. Ang daming pumapasok sa isip ko na kailangan kong labanan. Mahirap, sa totoo lang, pero isa lang ang nasisiguro ko sa sarili ko (and this one I’ve proven before): hindi ako susuko. Hindi ko’to isusuko hangga’t aada pa it feeling; hangga’t makusog pa tak pagtuo. Wala man akong makita sa hinaharap, kahit minsan nakakalungkot ang sitwasyon namin, hindi parin ako bibitiw. I may be complaining a lot but I’m not going to back out of this.

Nakaya ko naman ipaglaban ng mahigit isang taon diba? Kaya ko.

Kaya lang, nahadlok ako.

Tao lang naman ako eh. Diri nga diri ako natapod hit akon padis, pero, di kasi maiwasan… harayo hiya. Kun baga damo nga elements it nakapalibot ha amon (ha iya didto ngan ha akon dinhi); if your mind ain’t that strong to handle those, pwede kang matalo. At alam mong isang pitik lang pwedeng masira ang lahat, lahat-lahat. Ikaw kasi it nagpapadalagan hit imo utok; we have control over our minds and things.

If you want it, you can get it; if you want it but it ain’t right – there, you have the willpower to decide.

And bisan ano it imo pili-on you will be responsible for that; not anybody else, not even things, because it was you. YOU took over the wheels of your own mind.

No I ain’t saying I know better, but it’s a little like ‘been there, done that’ kinda thing you know. So hindi ko maalis ang hindi mag-alala dahil alam kong posible, alam kong pwede yung mangyari. Depende pa rin sa tao, sa personalidad, sa pag-iisip, at iba pa. At hindi ko rin naman sinasabing tama ako; gusto ko lang aminin sa sarili ko na… natatakot ako.

Call me a scared-y-cat, but it’s true. Hindi ko naman pwedeng sabihin sa kanya; baka isipin niya wala akong tiwala sa kanya. Ayokong ipaalam na takot ako at kung bakit, dahil ayoko ring may mag-iba; ayokong isipin niya na feeling ko mas may alam ako sa ganitong bagay, at ang gusto ko kusa niya itong maisip at maranasan (kung sakali man) para una may matutunan siya – at pangalawa, nang makita naming dalawa kung paano niya haharapin yun kung saka-sakali sa unang pagkakataon.

It may not seem right for me to say that. I’m just being open. I think it helps to have this kind of mind-setting, somehow. And what’s left of me is to take it positively so as bad as it may appear or sound sometimes… it’s a learning process.

We can’t always have what we want – that’s true – not always, not everything; we don’t have the power to control situations however we want to; we don’t have the power to read other people’s minds and all that; and we can’t keep something that we don’t really own. Siguro ‘pag naitatak ko na iyan sa utak ko, hindi na ako matatakot. Pero sa ngayon, kahit alam ko iyan, siya ring dahilan kung bakit ako natatakot.

Natatakot akong baka isang araw paggising ko wala na siya. Baka isang araw makalimutan niya ang lahat. Bangin usa ka-adlaw diri na ako niya gusto. Mga sugad hito na butang angay ba ako mahadlok? This is present, my gosh, for goodness’ sake diri ako dapat maghuna-huna unta hin mga posible o diri posible! I guess usa gud la it ak buot ipasabot tak self – nahadlok ako mawara hiya ha akon. It’s like going back to that place I never wanted to go to. At wala kang magagawa kung dumating nga ang panahon na iyon, diba. I can fight for it – pero alam ko, hindi ko kakayaning mag-isa. Sa ganitong laban, dapat kaming dalawa. It’s always been like that for me. It has to be mutual.

As time passes, we will hear the phase calling…iyon…iyon ang kinatatakutan ko…gayunpaman, lalaban ako. Hindi pwedeng hindi. I swear even if this is the last time it could happen to me, even if it’s not – lalaban ako. It’s something I don’t usually do, something I’ve never done before (pwera na lang kung pamilya ang pag-uusapan); so this time, I’m not gonna lose it just like that. No I ain’t gonna give it up just like that.

Siguro nga tama ako tungkol sa isang bagay… pagdating sa 'chuva-choo-choo', lahat kaya kong subukan. And I swear to God this is going to be the first time! You know what I’m sayin’? Ito ang unang pagkakataon na malakas ang pakiramdam ko – how I want it, how I need it, how I own it; Ito ang unang pagkakataon nga masisirng ko nga ipaglalaban ko bisan ano nga balakid it aada hit amon atubangan. Hangga’t kaya ko, hangga’t ada hiya, hangga’t mahal namin ang isa’t-isa; I’m keeping it.

I’m scared…but it doesn’t mean I can’t be ready…